Reflections and Ramblings of a Not-So-Superwoman

Click the Link Below to Find NotSoSuperwoman!

2010-12-30T13:07:00.002-05:00

This blog is on hiatus. I have revamped NotSoSuperwoman Homeschool, Reviews, and More and integrated much of what would have been here, over there, but am keeping this site for the future. One day, I may be able to keep up with two blogs. Today is not that day!

I hope you'll follow me over to my other site. If you don't homeschool, just ignore those posts. See you on the other side!

Menu Plan Monday: Week of 11/22

2010-11-22T08:00:00.004-05:00

O Lord that lends me life,
Lend me a heart replete with thankfulness.
~William Shakespeare

Monday- Sweet & Sour Meatballs, Brown Rice
(Chili sauce and grape jelly combined, poured over meatballs and cooked all day in slow cooker)

Tuesday- Turkey Wreaths, salad

Wednesday- Enchilada Casserole?

Thursday- THANKSGIVING (Pumpkin & Chocolate Pies)

Friday- Turkey Leftovers?

Saturday- Turkey Pot Pie

Sunday- Birthday Dinner?

Wordless Wednesday

2010-11-17T14:30:00.000-05:00

Menu Plan Monday: Week of 11/15

2010-11-15T08:00:00.001-05:00

Nothing would be more tiresome than eating and drinking if God had not made them a pleasure as well as a necessity. ~Voltaire

Monday- Chicken Breasts with Spicy Red Pepper Sauce, Brown Rice

Tuesday- Pumpkin Turkey Chili

Wednesday- Angel Hair with Meat Sauce

Thursday- Roast, Potatoes, Carrots

Friday- Mac n Cheese

Saturday- Slow Cooker London Broil, Mashed Potatoes

Sunday- Pizza

2010 Gratitude Challenge: Day 3

2010-11-03T17:11:00.001-04:00

I have been feeling seriously inadequate all day. My spirits were down and I was focusing on all the ways I have failed- as a mom, wife, homeschooler, writer, friend, Christian. You name it, I was feeling the failure. And then I put Barlow Girl on shuffle on my iPod as I worked on my NaNo and this song came on, Psalm 73 (My God's Enough). I may be inadequate. This world may fail me and I may fail this world. Frequently. But My God, He is Enough.

And for that I am thankful.

2010 Gratitude Challenge: Day 2

2010-11-02T10:34:00.001-04:00

Today I am thankful for friends and family. I'm sure this topic will come up again before the month is over, but my focus for this morning is friends who are like family. Friends who show up at my door when I'm sick, costumes in hand for my kids to borrow, and add them to their crew for the trek to a couple of other local churches' Fall Fest and Trunk or Treat. And I'm thankful for my kids who were ready to relax at home with mom and not complain, but who jumped at the chance to dress up and play games with their friends. I am blessed.

And they are cute.

2010 Gratitude Challenge: Day 1 NaNo

2010-11-01T11:11:00.000-04:00

Brenda, one of my fearless TOS Crew leaders, is hosting a Gratitude Challenge for the month of November. The goal is to share one thing you are thankful for each day. This can be in the form of a post, a photo, whatever. I'm going to attempt to participate but we'll see how it goes with NaNoWriMo going on as well!

Speaking of NaNo, that is what I am thankful for today. I love having the opportunity to meet other crazy, eccentric writer types. I love the chance to be a writer wannabe and obsess over plots and characters and scenes. I love immersing myself in a story and a world and having others joining in who understand the madness. And I love that my kids join me in this and my husband supports us all, even if he doesn't quite get the appeal. I'm thankful for this opportunity to turn November into a crash course in creativity.

(And I'd be grateful if you'd overlook the fact that you can see up my nose in this photo!)

Menu Plan Monday: Week of 11/1

2010-11-01T08:00:00.006-04:00

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. ~Buddy Hackett

Monday- Beef Stew

Tuesday- Short Ribs in Sauce with Rotini

Wednesday- Chicken Tenders, French Fries

Thursday- Steak, Green Beans, Sweet Potatoes

Friday- Mac n Cheese

Saturday- Roast, Carrots, Potatoes

Sunday- Pizza

Wordless Wednesday: Peace, Love and Happiness

2010-10-27T11:39:00.000-04:00

Never Christmas Synopsis (NaNo)

2010-10-26T15:47:00.002-04:00

I just downloaded the beta version of Scrivener for Windows and I am already in love! I wish I'd had it a week ago, maybe I would have been inspired to do a little more pre-planning for my NaNo novel. A synopsis is finally written though, and I thought I would share here. It's not too late to sign up!

Never Christmas:

Kyrie has vague memories of time spent with her great grandmother; glimpses of kind eyes and bits of stories shared in a frail voice, the scent of dirt and fresh air filling her lungs. She doesn’t dare admit to remembering any of it. The nightmares of being wrenched from her home, of being brought to the school, she keeps carefully hidden. After all, Professor Gillian is correct- it is for her safety, and the safety of mankind as a whole. Religious wars have torn apart society. The only answer is to ban all religions. The only answer is to follow the New Society.

When Kyrie receives a forbidden book, her world is turned upside down. The book tells tales of prophecies and freedom and love. All things dismissed by the New Society as philosophies for the weak of mind and unnecessary for the good of mankind. Such things have even been pronounced dangerous. Yet something in the writings pull at Kyrie and she finds herself forced to choose between her life of safety and security and her desire for something more.

Menu Plan Monday: Week of 10/25

2010-10-25T08:00:00.000-04:00

Once again, it's Menu Plan Monday. Wonder what we eat this week? Oh...yeah...there's the list.

Monday: Spicy Red Pepper Sauce with Chicken Strips, served over Brown Rice
Tuesday: Slow Cooker London Broil, Mashed Potatoes
Wednesday: Fettucini Alfredo
Thursday: Beef Nachos
Friday: Mac N Cheese
Saturday: Beef Stew
Sunday: Pizza

Thursday Thirteen- 13 Characteristics of a Dystopian Story

2010-10-21T11:30:00.000-04:00

I found the new home of Thursday Thirteen! Actually, I think I found it a long time ago and then promptly forgot about it. The Perfect Procrastinator, anyone? As I'm researching dystopian societies for my upcoming NaNo story, I thought I'd share possible characteristics of a dystopian society and typical storylines involving such. Because this is at the top of everyone's mind this morning. You woke up and you though, Huh. I wonder what a dystopia is like? Well, lucky for you, the answer is right here. You're welcome.

1. dys-/dus- (Latin/Greek roots: 'bad' or 'abnormal') + -topos (Greek root: 'place') = 'bad place'

eu- (Greek root: 'good') / ou- (Greek root: 'not') + -topos (Greek root: 'place') = 'good/no place'

dystopia n. an imaginary wretched place, the opposite of utopia

utopia n. a place or state of ideal perfection, the opposite of dystopia

2. One social group has complete control (state/police/party/church/corporation).

3. Ruled by an unjust and oppressive system (totalitarianism/police state).

4. Can appear to be a utopia on the surface- free of disease, unhappiness, conflict, etc. Delusions of a "perfect society" promoted by those in power.

5. Often occur when society is faced with a crisis and exchanges personal freedom for a feeling of safety and security.

6. Rigid social classes and mass poverty for those not in ruling class.

7. Stories may borrow qualities from reality but are usually fictitious and futuristic.

8. Dystopian citizens often feel paranoid, as they are monitored, watched, manipulated, etc.

9. The setting is an important part of the story, as it enhances and emphasizes the message.

10. Information, independent thought, and freedom are severely restricted.

11. The natural world is distrusted.

12. Powers-that-Be may have advanced technology, while the lower class has less than we see today.

13. A dystopia is a negative and undesirable society. And sounds like a lot of fun to write!

I came across this question as I researched and it cracked me up. Love the honesty of it; "Dystopians explore collective human stupidity. Couldn't you say that underpinning most dystopian novels is some notion of Original Sin, or at least Original Stupidity of the Collective Mind?"

Wordless Wednesday: Hoola Hoop Fun

2010-10-20T09:18:00.000-04:00

Menu Plan Monday: Week of 10/18

2010-10-18T08:00:00.002-04:00

It's time for Menu Plan Monday, that time of the week when we discover what we're going to eat! Woohoo, I'm finally getting my chili- no bean of course. :-)

Monday: No-Beans-About-It Chili
Tuesday: Grilled Steak, Green Beans, Sweet Potatoes
Wednesday: Short Ribs in Sauce with Rotini (and Gluten-free Pasta for Mom)
Thursday: Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup
Friday: Mac N Cheese
Saturday: Roast, Carrots, Potatoes in the Crockpot
Sunday: Pizza

Setting My Blog Straight

2010-10-15T16:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Blog,

This everyday thing is not working for me. My thoughtful posts still stay in my head as I haven't enough time to type them thoughtfully into you. And my crazy wacky side is not well represented. I'm afraid you believe me to be morose and serious and that just ain't the truth, honey. Maybe you've forgotten my fun geeky side. I want to remind you of that more often, along with actually translating my thoughtful thoughts into somewhat coherent posts. Unfortunately, it's tough to make time for you. We need to work on our relationship but it may be slow going.

I have a great book, The 3 AM Epiphany. It has some really cool writing exercises in it and I was thinking maybe sometimes we could connect over those. And NaNo is coming up and you may be a needed break for me. And I still want to tell you about the Beth Moore conference. That's a thoughtful thought I want to communicate correctly. So please don't think we're breaking up. I love you. Truly. There's something about you I just can't seem to give up completely. But you've become an obligation and I need you to be a joy. So we'll see how it goes from here. It may be in fits and starts. You know how that is, we've been through this before. You're always here when I need you and maybe this freedom will bring us closer.

See you soon,

Not-So

Two Hands: I have a broken disposition I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth And while I ache for faith to hold me I need to feel the scars and see the proof

2010-10-14T12:41:00.001-04:00

I actually listened to the lyrics of this Jars of Clay song last night and wanted to share. I believe it can speak to many of us. Good stuff.

Two Hands

I’ve been living out of sanity
I’ve been splitting hairs and blurring lines
I am a house that is divided
In my heart and in my mind

I use one hand to pull you closer
The other to push you away
If I had two hands doing the same thing
Lifted high, lifted high

I have a broken disposition
I’m a liar who thirsts for the truth
And while I ache for faith to hold me
I need to feel the scars and see the proof

And if we just keep digging we can reach the foundation
Of our souls
And if we just keep cutting all the chains from our hearts
We’ll lose control

And it feels like giving in
It feels like starting over
It feels like waking up, and you know it’s coming
It feels like a brand new day
Open your eyes

Wordless Wednesday: Daneized

2010-10-13T10:00:00.000-04:00

Family Fun Night: So You Think You Can Dance Tour

2010-10-12T15:54:00.000-04:00

Last night was a rare treat as my husband and I headed to Boston with our three youngest children to see the So You Think You Can Dance Tour. This is a show we always watch with these three; they wait until we get home the nights it is on and climb into our bed to cuddle and watch the great dancers the judges seem to find each year. When the last season ended, I talked myself into calling it a "field trip" and used the school money account to order tickets. These are the things that make memories and last night was all about making memories. The show was fantastic and we all had a great night. Here's a little glimpse in photo form:

A Night Out in Boston

Dinner at Bertucci's

Getting ready for the SYTYCD Tour to begin!

Ryan needed a little help keeping his eyes open that late!

Menu Plan Monday

2010-10-11T13:42:00.001-04:00

The boys are off hiking for a youth group field trip and I need to blog, lesson plan, and menu plan before heading to Boston. Menu Plan Monday meme seemed a perfect way to kill the proverbial birds!

Monday: The boys will eat on the trip and the three youngest, my husband and I have tickets to the So You Think You Can Dance Tour tonight so dinner will be whatever my oldest daughter wants to make herself. So probably something frozen and microwavable!
Tuesday: Shrimp Stir Fry with Brown Rice, because this is the only thing I have in the house and I am about to put in a Peapod order to be delivered Tuesday night. No time to shop! The meal consists of frozen shrimp and frozen broccoli, stir fried with the jarred General Tso's sauce I have in the cupboard (from BJ's) and served over brown rice.
Wednesday: Rotini
Thursday: Lemon Chicken Soup
Friday: Mac n Cheese
Saturday: Fall Festival at our church
Sunday: Pizza Day

I really want chili. Chili without beans, to be exact. Beans are not my friend but beanless chili sounds yummers. This is a busy week though, so I'm thinking chili next week. In fact, I may go plan next weeks' Menu Monday right now and be ahead for next week. Oooo, good idea!

Where you see pasta and the like listed, it's probably just for the family. I have been experiencing a number of stomach issues and am trying a gluten free diet. If you know of any great places to find (cheap) recipes that are gluten-free, please share!

I Got the Blues. I Got the Ain't Got No Plot Yet for NaNoWriMo Blues.

2010-10-09T12:45:00.001-04:00

It's October. October means November is right around the corner. November means National Novel Writing Month. And Thanksgiving. And Black Friday. But for now, the bit of November that is haunting me, following me around, and taunting me is NaNoWriMo. Every November, for the past five years, I have written a 50,000 word first draft novel (or attempted to, year before last I became ill and could not finish). By the time I reach October, plot bunnies are reproducing all over my brain and the challenge is to narrow it down and decide which story to choose.

Not so this year. This year, I am plotless. Being plotless makes me feel...well...empty. Empty of story and characters and all the good stuff that comes with it. I want to be excited about NaNo and I even considered outlining this year. But it's difficult to outline nothing. Yeah, I'm sure you can see the problem there.

I've done contemporary fiction in the past, young adult mostly. I'd love to do something in the Christian horror/supernatural genre. Travis Thrasher's Solitary, Ted Dekker, and Frank Peretti have all done well in this area. I enjoy this genre myself, which could be the reason it intimidates me. I know what I like and don't like, I just don't know if I will be able to write what I like and if I can't, I fear my Inner Editor will attack and refuse to be bound in the corner of my mind until November ends.

I'm praying for my muse to return. If you see him, let him know I need him. And soon.

PS. If you are also participating in NaNo and would like to be Writing Buddies, my username is Flyleaf. "See" you there!

PPS. I wrote a little blurb about the Young Writer's Program over on my homeschool blog, if you'd like to check it out.

Friday Fill-In

2010-10-08T17:25:00.000-04:00

It's been a tough week. Time for another meme!

1. My favorite month is _December____ because __I LOVE Christmas___.

2. ___Where I live, there is always__ a fresh breeze. (Where I was yesterday was awfully "windy", but not so fresh!)

3. I love to sniff ___glue? Couldn't resist. Hmm... serious answer... inappropriate answers fill my mind... coconut Yankee Candles, there you go__.

4. __COFFEE___ is what I like to have as a treat for breakfast.

5. The hobby I enjoy most is __reading___.

6. __Reviews, To-Do's, and Blogging,___ oh my!

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to __gaming with friends while the kids game downstairs with their friends___, tomorrow my plans include __a "Tasting" with my husband, daughter, and her fiancee at the reception venue___ and Sunday, I want to __nap after church___!

Head on over to Friday Fill-Ins to participate!

Glee and God: Engaging Our Culture?

2010-10-07T10:00:00.000-04:00

Is God just an adult version of Santa Claus? How can one believe there is a God in the midst of tragedy and hardship? Does a "Jesus face" have magical powers? Why can public schools sing about losing their religion but not having any? Can we love and respect each other without sharing beliefs?

These were all topics brought up in Tuesday night's episode of Glee, entitled "Grilled Cheesus". In the episode, Finn burns his grilled cheese and sees a face resembling Jesus (Or the Romanesque version anyway, don't get me started on that pet peeve!). Viewing it as a "genie" where he can ask for three wishes in the form of prayers, he bows down to it and makes his first very selfish request. In the meantime, his mom's boyfriend has a heart attack and ends up in a coma in the hospital. The man's son, Kurt, is also a member of the Glee club and has a difficult relationship with his father. His dad is a "man's man" and he is a young "gay man". The Glee club director encourages his students to express themselves through song and the theme becomes spirituality. Kurt is highly offended by this, as he does not believe in God and cannot see past being mocked by those who profess to follow God. The cheerleading coach (and resident "villain"), Sue, uses this to complain about the Glee director (her favorite past time).

As a Christian, I was quite fascinated by this episode. There were definitely scenes and dialogue that were offensive (and I am not necessarily recommending the show) but it is always very interesting to me to see through someone else's eyes, so to speak, and understand how they view God and Christianity. There were lessons to be learned there for both Christian and non, and tackling the subject on an insanely popular TV show was both brave and a great starting point for discussion. My fear is that we will spend more time attacking the show (or others like it) rather than using it as a springboard for intelligent and thoughtful conversation. Can we engage our culture in spiritual discussion or are we too quick to become defensive and often offensive? Is it helpful to understand where the other person is coming from; their beliefs, fears, philosophies? This is why I love pop culture- it's the cultural anthropology of the society I live in. Just call me an anthropologist. It's nicer than whatever else you may be thinking. ;-)

Take this dialogue from the end of the episode as an example. Sue, the tough as nails cheerleading coach, has a soft spot for the young student with Down's syndrom, Jeannie. As it turns out, Sue's sister has Down's and this conversation with Jeannie is quite revealing.

Sue: Do you believe in God, Jeannie?

Jeannie: Do you?

Sue: No, I don't

Jeannie: Why not?

Sue: (explains how God never answered her prayers for her sister to be like the other kids)

Jeannie: God never makes mistakes. That's what I believe. Want me to pray for you, Sue?

Sue: Yeah, that would be nice.

How could this scene be used as a discussion starter during those "water cooler" conversations?

That one's almost a no-brainer, but what about this line? "What up, Grilled Cheesus. I need to ask you something. I didn't go to Sunday school, so I don't know if God works the same as a genie and I only have three wishes ..." Hmm... are you seeing any potential there? How many of us do view God as some kind of genie who is there to begrudgingly do our bidding? Have we presented him to our culture in that way, only seeking him when we need something?

This was a successful episode of Glee in that it has people talking. And talking about spiritual issues is a good thing. At least, I think so.

This post went places I hadn't planned. Rather than discussing the episode, it discusses discussing the episode. Perhaps a second one will be in order.

A quick Glee Twitter search reveals one post from a Christian sharing his thoughts on the episode. Here's a link to The Wardrobe Door's thoughts on Grilled Cheesus: Certainity in an age of pluralism Check it out and enter the discussion.

Wordless Wednesday: Laughter of Friends

2010-10-06T01:00:00.002-04:00

Top Ten Tuesday: Babylon 5 Edition

2010-10-05T15:40:00.000-04:00

I need some inspiration. I need a muse. I need a meme.

Oh, look! I found one! Top Ten Tuesday reminds me of my much missed Thursday Thirteen in that you make a list of anything you like, as long as there are ten. Which is easier than thirteen. Yeah. I may have found a new love.

We are in the midst of the epic saga that is Babylon 5 and I have several great quotes rolling around in my head, so let's roll with that. Quotes are always fun! We're only into the beginning of season three, so these are ten quotes I like from Babylon 5 season 1-3.4.

1. "I have been nothing but compassionate and understanding. I mean, all you had to do was to admit you were wrong and I was right and everything would've been fine."- Ivanova

2. "I don't want to get killed because of a typo. It'd be embarrassing." -Ivanova
3. Ivanova: If I live through this job without completely losing my mind, it will be a miracle of biblical proportions!
David Corwin: Well, there goes my faith in the Almighty.

4. "The future isn't what it used to be." -G'Kar

5. Ivanova: Well then, I'll say a prayer for him tonight.
Franklin: He's agnostic.
Ivanova: Then I'll say half a prayer.

6. Ivanova: On your trip back, I'd like you to take the time to learn the Babylon 5 mantra: "Ivanova…is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's recommendations. Ivanova…is God. And, if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally rip your lungs out!" Babylon Control out. [sighs to herself] Civilians. [looks up] Just kidding about that God part. No offense.

7. "I'm in the middle of 15 things -- all of them annoying."- Ivanova

8. "If you are going to kill me, then do so. Otherwise I have considerable work to do."

- Lennier

9. "We believe that no race can be truly intelligent without laughter."

- Delenn

10. "How do you know the chosen ones? No greater love hath a man than he lay down his life for his brother. Not for millions, not for glory, not for fame. For one person, in the dark...where no one will ever know...or see."- Sebastian

Pre-Pondering Post

2010-10-04T14:46:00.000-04:00

Day 4 of my "I will blog every day this month" promise to myself and I am already brain dead. Oh, I have so many things rolling around in my head that I want to blog about, that's not the issue. The issue is that I really want to curl up with my Nook and finish Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix before small group tonight. But I'm one of those anal, "I will complete this challenge!" kind of people and so here I am writing nonsense for whomever stumbles across it.

Nonsense.

My mind and spirit are so full after this past weekend and I am still in process and ponder mode. A group of 23 women from our church (well, a couple were from another church but fit right in with our brand of craziness) spent the weekend at a Beth Moore conference. If you have never heard of Beth Moore, she is arguably the most popular women's speaker and Bible study teacher/author in this country. Yet she is so real. Which is why I like her so much. She's southern, Texan even, and yet this New England girl adores her anyway. GRIN. She is who she is and I love that. I'm all about being real and authentic.

Hers is no light conference. We dug deep into the Scriptures and she hit the application hard. There's a lot there to chew on and I'm still chewing but will be sharing thoughts on the conference soon.

Although it ended Saturday afternoon, we took the opportunity to stay an extra night and have some time together with our group. About 20 of us crammed into the hotel suite for a pajama and pizza party. We sang, laughed, shared our reactions and insight from the conference, laughed, played a crazy game, laughed, and otherwise enjoyed each others company until about midnight. One of the women from the other church commented on how we had so many different personalities and types of people in one room and yet we all loved and laughed and had a great spirit of unity. Another woman who came with a friend and is not a Christian was overwhelmed by everything and shocked that so many women could be together for so long without arguing and could actually like each other. This made me smile. Just another thing for me to ponder and treasure from the weekend. Such an encouragement. I love my church peeps.

So many thoughts that I'm sure will show up here before long. But for now, I'm going to ponder a bit more.

Thoughts for Sunday: Love

2010-10-03T08:00:00.004-04:00

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" ~Matthew 22:34-39

When Jesus was asked about the greatest commandment in Scripture, he kept it simple. Love the Lord and love others. Everything else depends on these two seemingly simple commands and yet they prove so difficult to live out.

Loving God should be the easiest. After all, the Bible tells us our very breath is God given. Every perfect gift comes from above and being thankful should be a natural part of our life. Yet how often do we immediately blame God when circumstances are not what we would like? How often do we doubt his love and provision when times are difficult and he seems absent? We are quick to forget his promises and fickle with our love for him. He pines for us like a jealous lover whose wife has strayed and we blame him for not being enough to keep our love. Oh Lord, forgive me. Help me to understand who you are and to love you with all my heart, mind and soul.

The second is like it, love your neighbor as yourself. We have such a tough time with this one because, let's face it, people are harder to love than God. Imperfect, often annoying, troublesome people- that's what we all are, and we're often hard to love. But this makes all the difference in our relationships with other Christians, as well as those who do not share our faith.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." ~John 13:34-35 How will others know we are Christians? By the way we love each other. I'd say the Church as a whole is failing in this area. We'd much rather argue and debate, look down on each other, and nurse our wounds than practice this kind of love. What kind of testimony is it when the world treats us better than our own brothers and sisters? Scripture says the world will hate us and we must love one another. Experience has sometimes proved the opposite. This should not be so.

"If I speak in the tonguesof men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." ~I Corinthians 13:1-3 In our relationships with others, Christian or non, we must have love. It won't matter if we have all the wisdom of this world, it won't matter if our words are persuasive or we are skilled in debate, it won't even matter if we speak truth- if we do not speak in love we do nothing more than make noise. Sometimes a noise that causes more harm that good. Love is what earns us the right to share, to speak in truth and be heard, to grow together in strength and unity. A perfect combination of love and holiness is the thread that holds the entire Bible together. Without love, I gain nothing.

Lord, again I come to you, knowing I frequently fail in loving you and others as I should. Thank you for your unfathomable love for us and your patience and wisdom as we struggle to learn how to love. Help me to remember these two great commands from you and to choose to put them into practice daily. Work through me and place in me your love for those around me. "Lord, help me love them like you do." Amen.

The Bible in 90 Days- I Did It!

2010-10-02T10:21:00.002-04:00

I've started and stopped The One Year Bible so many times, discouraged by the year long commitment to one plan, bogged down in genealogies and tabernacle descriptions, that I am super excited to say that I have completed the Bible in 90 Days challenge! Although I have read all of the Bible before, I have never read it all in order or in a short amount of time. The experience was phenomenal.

I began reading while discouraged and defeated, needing a spiritual "wake up call" and this has definitely been one. Although I have even more questions and understand God even less, my faith has been strengthened and my spirit renewed through this process. God is who he is and will not be put in any man made box, the Bible is consistent and presents one big picture although written over a large time span, and salvation cannot be found in the law or through man made creations but by faith in Jesus.

My plan is to do this again in January, perhaps with some others in my church. Maybe some of you will join me then as well. Mom's Toolbox will be hosting another challenge, beginning January 3rd (I'll probably start a little later). I highly recommend it.

Here I Am Again

2010-10-01T09:00:00.003-04:00

"And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd/ Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud/ And I know that you'll use them, however you want to." ~Anna Nalick (Breathe 2 am)

I shared these lyrics with our worship leader (and friend) several weeks ago and he disliked them, as he found them based in insecurity. Maybe that's why I like them so much. They speak to a deep part of me that is insecure and express a fear that I have in being such an open person. This is something that strikes me every time I sit down to blog as well. I have had these words used against me, been judged solely by what someone sees online, and it has kept me from sharing freely.

Sometimes I worry that I'm not being spiritual enough. Sometimes I worry that I'm being too spiritual. I'm tired of worrying about that and am ready to just be me. Guess what? I am a spiritual person. I believe in the God of the Bible, the loving and yet holy God that I cannot comprehend or fit into any box. I trust in Christ for salvation, believing in his sacrificial death and miraculous resurrection. I won't pretend to understand everything or even like everything I read in the Bible, but I believe. And this impacts every facet of my life and makes me who I am. At least any good you may see in me.

I'm also someone who enjoys pop culture, a good story in all forms (movies, TV, books, etc.), sci-fi and fantasy, gaming, music, being completely wacky, laughing frequently, and coffee. These interests are not a tool to measure my Christianity. They can be used to measure my level of geekiness. I'm okay with that.

I love getting to know people who share my faith and people who don't. My friends come from differing backgrounds and I love them for who they are and I hope they love me for who I am. I'm an emo, wear your heart on your sleeve kind of person who doesn't want to care if she's throwing it all out there for anyone to read. So here I am again, with a goal to blog every day for the month of October, and not worry about being "naked in front of the crowd."

Use them however you want to.

90 Day Check In- I'm Behind and Meaningless

2010-08-23T13:40:00.000-04:00

I have been MIA. Again.

Sigh.

After getting behind by nine days on my Bible reading challenge, I thought it best to try to catch up on the reading rather than the posting. I am now only a couple of days behind and hoping to be caught up this week. I finished Ecclesiastes this morning, need to read Song of Solomon, and then I will be two days behind. I think.

To repeat my Facebook status, I woke up this morning, read the book of Ecclesiastes, and then went back to sleep. Because if everything is meaningless, then why not? GRIN.

It's an interesting book. The last time I read it, I remember becoming depressed. If life is meaningless, why bother? This time, I had a different perspective. We get so caught up in the things we think provide meaning, the acquiring of possessions or of more and more knowledge, but no matter if we are rich or poor, have high school diplomas or PhD's, we all come to the same end and are eventually forgotten. Okay, yeah. That's kind of depressing. But it also gives perspective. If we have only one life, it is a gift to be able to "eat, drink, and be merry". Our life is a blip, a vapor, and yet we are consumed with stress and worry over such comparably little things.

Speaking of stress and worry, I need to get back to school planning. We start in two weeks and I am not yet ready to let summer go. But I am ready to find a new routine and hopefully get back to blogging as well!

Quick Check-In & Quote: 90 Day Challenge

2010-07-27T12:18:00.000-04:00

I missed my 90 Day Challenge Check In yesterday, as I was busy working on prep for Vacation Bible School. Still working on VBS, so I will just say that I am on track and leave you with this quote from Crazy Love by Francis Chan. It gave me much needed perspective on some of those more difficult Old Testament passages.

"God is the only Being who is good, and the standards are set by Him. Because God hates sin, He has to punish those guilty of sin. Maybe that's not an appealing standard. But to put it bluntly, when you get your own universe, you can make your own standards. When we disagree, let's not assume it's His reasoning that needs correction."
...

Aliens, Health, Testimonies, Feasts, and Beer: 90 Day Challenge Update

2010-07-19T13:29:00.000-04:00

I am on track with my Bible in 90 Day Challenge, but wish I'd had more time this week to jot down thoughts as they occurred. Maybe they would have been more coherent than the modgepdoge you'll get today.

First off, Leviticus and Numbers are difficult to get through without drifting off but I learned a few valuable lessons:

1. People need instructions repeated to them over and over and over and over and over again.

2. They will disobey them anyway.

I had trouble with reconciling some of the laws with a God of love and grace, but at other times his love and grace were so abundantly clear it nearly brought me to tears. This is why reading for the "Big Picture" is good. We too often take little bits and pieces of Scripture and create our own doctrines from them, without comparing Scripture to Scripture or understanding the flow of the narrative. For instance, I wondered how a loving God could just decide one nation is his and the rest were to be destroyed to make room for them. Then I read this, "It is not because of your righteousness or your integrity that you are going in to take possession of their land; but on account of the wickedness of these nations, the Lord your God will drive them out before you... Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the Lord your God is giving this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people."

The Israelites were a stiff-necked or rebellious people but they continually returned to their God. Many of these nations were quite evil, sacrificing their children to "the fires of Molech". But what about those of other nations who wanted to follow God, did he just tell them to go to hell? Nope. Check this out; "For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. And you are to love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt."

I seriously want to take the part about loving aliens out of context and say God is also a Sci-Fi fan, but I won't. GRIN.

I also thought it was pretty cool that many of the detailed laws of the Old Testament were actually designed to keep people healthy. They contain wisdom that we take for granted, but was very advanced for that time period.

I just started Deuteronomy but it's already interesting. One major thing that popped out to me is the so-called "homeschooling verse". Deuteronomy is actually talking about teaching our children the wonders of what God had done for them in their lives- He wanted them to share the story of how He had brought them out of Egypt and took care of them, to share their personal testimony. And in so doing, teach them to love the Lord and serve Him with all their heart and soul. Wow, this is seriously a post in and of itself that I hope to find time to write for my homeschooling blog.

As I was reading through the descriptions of the feasts, another thing that occurred to me was that these were all designed to remember what God had done for them. There is sometimes controversy over the pagan origins of Christmas and Easter, but for most Christians it is similar to celebrating these feasts- to remember what God has done and the wonder of sending Christ to ultimately redeem us. Again, could be a post in itself.

To leave you with a grin, I came across a verse that made me think of my friend who has a fondness for beer. It reads, "From there, they continued on to Beer."

I just couldn't resist!

Five Question Friday: The Dull Edition

2010-07-16T17:47:00.000-04:00

1. Do you collect anything?

Dust?

Or do kids count? I seem to have a fair number of them at any given time.

Hmm... not your typical collections, no... books... video game consoles... gadgets... Firefly stuff.

2. Name 3 celebrities that you find good looking.

1. David Boreanaz

2. Gina Torres

3. Ian Somerhalder

3. Do you have any scars? If so, what's the story behind it (them?)?

Nothing real exciting. I have a chicken pox scar on my forehead. And a large scar on my knee. That one at least has a story.

I was a kid, out riding my bike with friends. We wanted to check out the new development being built in the neighborhood and were biking all over the place, mid-construction. I came around a corner and started heading down a steep, gravel road when my tire caught on a rock, the bike stopped, and I kept going. I flew right over the handle bars and on down the road. When I managed to stand up, my knee was a bloody mess and I had to limp myself and my bike home. Aw, poor me.

4. What is a food that you like to eat, but others might think it's gross or weird?

I'm boring this week. Can't think of anything too crazy. French fries and ice cream. That cayenne pepper ice cream from Ohio. A plate of grilled onions.

5. Have you ever seen a tornado in real life?

We never saw one touch down but we had many tornado warnings when going to school in Missouri and had them near enough to us that the sky got completely quiet and still... it was freaky. We'd have to go wait in the basement of the dorms for the siren to end and I was a big chicken. Growing up in California, earthquakes are not scary. Tornados though? Yikes.

And there you have it. The Five Question Friday where I have no interesting answers. Hopefully next week will be better.

Who Me?, Help, Freedom, and a Funny: 90 Day Bible Challenge Check In.

2010-07-12T13:53:00.000-04:00

It's time for my first The Bible in 90 Days Challenge Check-In. I'm happy to report that I am on track, although I had to read double this morning as I got behind yesterday. Yeah, on Sunday. Slightly ironic? Perhaps.

My thoughts for the first couple of days are HERE, HERE and HERE.

The last few days have been eye-opening, disturbing, and encouraging- all at the same time. I struggle with what I read sometimes. Certain things don't make sense to me, I have to ask how a loving God can act in various ways, and I don't always find the answers I seek right away. But I am learning and growing as I read.

A few thoughts from the last few days;

Moses. Reading his story quickly brought a lot more reality to it. Here was this guy, living his life outside of Egyptian control, seemingly content. He sees this supernatural event in the burning bush. God speaks to him and wants him to go lead his people out of their slavery in Egypt. He's like, "Uh...yeah, me? You sure you got the right guy? Why in God's name would anyone listen to me?". And God's like, "Yeah, exactly. My name's what they'll listen to and I'll give you these cool signs and wonders to perform." Huh. He still questions, "But I'm not a very good speaker you know. You can't possibly want me, there has to be someone more qualified." Yeah, no. God wants Moses. He gets a little annoyed with Moses and sends his brother Aaron along to speak for him. The same Aaron who gets tired of waiting for Moses later and makes his own god in the form of a golden calf. The same Aaron who God later ordains as his priest.

Moses gets tired at one point. He has two men who come alongside him and hold his arms up until the battle ends. At another point, he is exhausted from serving as judge for the people. His father-in-law suggests he gets help. He says, "What you are doing is not good. You and these people who come to you will only wear yourselves out. The work is too heavy for you; you cannot handle it alone." (That was the actual verse, not my paraphrasing like above!). Yeah, I could relate to this.

All the ins and outs of the Tabernacle were sleep inducing at times but what really struck me is how difficult it was to come to speak to God before Christ came. I thought of the veil that was ripped in half after Christ's death and how that symbolized the freedom to come to God without all the pomp and circumstance, the offerings and sacrifices. How we can come before him as we are now, speak freely in his presence, share our struggles and desires. All because of his ultimate sacrifice. Wow.

That's heavy.

But I'll leave you with one of the funniest verses in Scripture. Oh, there are some great Laugh Out Loud moments in our reading. In this one, Aaron is trying to explain himself after Moses has pegged him on creating a golden calf to worship. If you remember, he asked the people to bring him gold jewelry, which he then melted and formed into a calf- announcing that this was their god. But this is what he says to Moses;

"Then they gave me the gold, and I threw it into the fire, and out came this calf!"

I can just picture Moses rolling his eyes and sighing deeply.

An Engagement Announcement (CrossPost)

2010-07-10T16:24:00.002-04:00

We are entering a new phase of our life, our oldest daughter became engaged last night! Though young in years, she is old at heart (Anyone familiar with Rory and Lorelei? Yeah, that'd be us!) and we are excited that God has blessed her with someone who has already become part of our family.

We brought our children up with the idea of courtship and taking relationships seriously. This had to evolve and adapt as we worked within the reality of where life brought us, someday I may post about that journey, but we're looking forward to this new stage of life and a wedding next summer!

It's Time for Five Question Friday. Five Questions...on Friday. Yeah.

2010-07-09T14:38:00.000-04:00

1. What is one food you could eat everyday?

Bread. I love bread (and you can tell!) and it comes in so many yummy forms. Crispy, crunchy, soft, sweet, savory, yummy bread. Mmhhmm.

2. Are you working in the career you thought you would be when you were 18?

Sort of. When I was 18, I worked with kids in a preschool. Then I got married, had a couple of kids, went to college for Early Childhood Education, graduated, and began homeschooling my oldest the very next year as he entered Kindergarten. So am I doing exactly what I thought I'd be doing? No. I'm educating my own kids instead of other peoples. And glad to be doing it.

3. What is something that you wish you would have done when you were younger and you didn't?

This one's hard. I can think of many things I regret doing, but something I regret not doing is a tougher question. I guess I would have to say that I wish I had worked harder at staying in shape. Trying to get back in shape after seven kids and nineteen years is difficult.

4. What color are your kitchen walls?

Blue, a deep teal-ish blue. Different, for a kitchen, but I love my blue walls!

5. Do you remember what your very first favorite song was?

Must I admit this? The first song I can remember loving was Reunited by Peaches & Herb. I was in second grade, if I remember correctly, and I sang this song incessantly.

Love Despite Betrayal: Day 4, 90 Day Challenge

2010-07-08T11:47:00.000-04:00

Genesis 40:12- Genesis 50:26

The story of Joseph makes me think of the many times we moan and complain about, "How could God do this to me?". We have this sense that we are at the center of the universe and don't comprehend that there may be a bigger picture, there may be more at work than meets the eye.

Joseph is frequently portrayed as this perfect man and, while extremely honorable and a great example of faith during adversity, reading his story as a whole you do see some imperfection there. He seems angry when he first sees his brothers return. He deceives and manipulates them but is ultimately unable to seek revenge, as his heart is broken. The love for his family somehow survived their betrayal and in the end, there is forgiveness and healing. The betrayers find salvation from the famine through the very one they betrayed.

Some powerful stuff there.

Raw Thoughts on a Raw Passage- Day 3, 90 Day Challenge.

2010-07-07T12:24:00.000-04:00

It's Day 3 of the 90 Day Challenge and it's going well. I downloaded the official Bible in 90 Days onto my Kindle app on my iTouch, just to make it that much easier. It doesn't take as long as you'd think to read it actually, and I'm finding that reading it that quickly gives you a much bigger picture of what's going on. And in Genesis 28:20-Genesis 40:11 what's going on is an awful lot of deception and sleeping around.

I was reminded of just how raw the Bible actually is, and as I am a rather raw individual myself (in how I say things, not the sleeping around part), this is encouraging to me. So in the interest of staying with the feel of this passage, here are my raw notes as I read;

Lots of trouble could have been avoided if they'd stuck with the one wife thing and that's it. How did Jacob get any work done? Seemed like all he did was fool around with his wives and their servants. Apparently he was up for trade too- 'you can sleep with Jacob tonight for a couple of mandrakes?' Uh, hello?! Almost makes you feel sorry for the guy...almost...Nah.

How come nobody names their kid Basemath? ;-)

Joseph's problems began with the jealousy of his brothers, which can be traced back to Laban's deception (the deceiver gets deceived) and Jacob's sleeping with too many women.

On the up side: Jacob lived up to his name and was quite deceptive. However God blessed him because he was an overcomer- he overcame his struggles with both God and man. There's something to take hold of right there- just as Jacob took hold of the Lord and refused to let him go until he blessed him. Deceptive and skanky maybe (can a guy be skanky?), but persistent in seeking God's blessings.

Bring Me To Life- 90-Day Bible Challenge

2010-07-06T14:11:00.000-04:00

An Evanescence song combined with The Bible in 90-Day Challenge button may appear odd to some. Probably to most, but I'm pretty open about my oddness so no one should be surprised. The above song is called Bring Me To Life and is not meant to be a Christian song but from the first moment I heard it, it struck me deeply and became my heart cry to God.

God has created me as an emotional person. I love deeply and I hurt deeply. Don't run away thinking I'm going to go all emo on you, I'm not. But I want to share that over the past couple of years I have not fallen away from my faith in any way, but have put a guard up against being hurt and that has negatively affected my relationship with Christ. A certain part of me has felt numb and needs to be "brought to life" once again.

I've heard bits and pieces about The 90-Day Challenge through various blogs over the past several months. My husband hadn't heard of it at all and yet decided to read through the Bible in 90 days on his own (and I believe is about halfway through). The special speaker we had last week shared about the importance of continuing in His Word- "Faith comes by hearing and hearing from the word of God." (Romans 10:17). I popped on Facebook yesterday and a friend had posted that she was beginning the 90 Day Challenge. At that point, I didn't realize it was an official thing but decided to join her anyway. This morning, I saw another post by another friend, with her intro to this specific challenge, and I hurried over to the site to join. It seems like it's time for me to wake up and the best way I can see to do that is to fill my heart with His Word.

So here I go! I listened to Genesis 1-16 yesterday, using The Bible Experience Audio, while floating in the pool. This morning, I read through Genesis 17-18 on my iPod app. I plan to read and/or listen as I go and hope to blog a little bit as well. Monday is check-in day, which is a difficult day to add something to the list, but we'll see how it goes. I can tell you two days in- it's already made a difference. I'm waking up.

Gettin' Gangsta on Main St.

2010-07-06T01:55:00.000-04:00

We live in a tourist area and were walking down Main St. last night with my daughter and her boyfriend, chuckling at all the cars full of young men blaring their hip hop music, bopping their heads to the beat, wanting everyone's attention- thinking they "all dat". So we get in the van, the big 12 passenger van, and my husband rolls down the windows and asks me to find an "appropriate" song- ASAP. Now, you have to picture my husband; short, very white guy with glasses and prematurely grey. Mr. Preacher Man, driving a 12 passenger van, bopping his head, waving his hand around in a peace sign (cause, yeah, that's gangsta), and jammin' to Crank That Soulja Boy.

It was hilarious.

And boy, did we get attention. People would turn to glare at yet another car full of annoying teens, see this middle aged guy in a big van acting like a complete fool, and crack up. It totally made my day.

I wonder how many Facebook status' we made!

Five Question Friday

2010-06-25T19:44:00.000-04:00

I just realized that I usually post the Five Question Friday over here on my much neglected, but too well loved to delete, personal blog. Today I posted on my gets much more attention due to necessity review blog. Thought I'd let any of the few people who may pass through this space and not the other that it's there, if you care to read. Just click HERE.

Five Question Friday

2010-05-21T17:11:00.000-04:00

1. Do you have an iPhone and, if so, how do you get apps and what are your favorites?

I don't have an iPhone but I do have an iTouch. I pop over to the App Store and download them straight onto my iTouch. Currently, my favs are Scrabble and Words with Friends (which is basically Scrabble). Ooo, and I couldn't live without my IMDB app. Well, maybe I could, but still. I love it. And Facebook. But that goes without saying.

2. What is your fondest memory of K-3rd grade?

Is it sad that for the life of me, I can't think of one? All the bad ones come flooding back but I can't seem to retrieve a good one from the mix. I know it's there, it just doesn't want to make itself known right now.

3. What makes you cringe at the thought of touching?

Yeah, I have issues with vomit. Which is tough as a mom but I just can't handle it. Literally. I will add to the mess, so my husband learned early to take care of it while I hosed down the kid in the shower. God love that man.

4. If you could have any celebrity show up on your doorstep who would it be and why?

Wow. Tough question. I don't like people just showing up at my doorstep, so this is a different question than who would you invite to your dinner party. Hmm...If it's a showing up out of the blue then I'd have to say Clinton and Stacey from What Not To Wear because they would come with Visa card and promised makeover. I could go for that.

5. What would you say is your best physical feature?

I like my green eyes.

What about you? Feel free to answer on your own blog or in the comment section. It's always fun to get to know each other a little better!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-05-19T15:56:00.000-04:00

Okay, so it kinda has words. A friend sent it to me, I found it worth a grin. I think it should be displayed prominently wherever I happen to be each morning pre-coffee.

Just Because (Fiction Excerpts of the Okayish Kind. Maybe).

2010-05-18T15:56:00.001-04:00

I began posting excerpts from my very raw, written in a month NaNo as an exercise in courage. For some reason, I chose the one I least liked and threw it out there for whomever stumbled across it to see. Now I'm feeling rather self-conscious and feel the need for an exercise in pride. Although the following two chapters are also completely raw, unedited NaNo excerpts, they are ones I feel have potential and I rather like. Although I realize no one probably even reads these, it makes me feel better to have something I think could work well with a bit of editing to take the edge off the other excerpts. Call me crazy, wouldn't be the first time.

Chapter from Brought to Light (NaNo 2007)

Christina and Caroline were definitely up to something. They were both clad in scarves, sunglasses, hats and overcoats. They looked like something out of a bad movie. A really bad movie. They stood together in the waiting area at Olive Garden, trying their best to look inconspicuous and failing miserably.

“He’s coming, quick!” Caroline whispered loudly as she pulled Christina into the women’s room with her.

“Was she with him?” Christina asked breathlessly.

“Oh yeah.” Caroline sounded please. This mission would be accomplished and Christina would see for herself that Stephen was making a fool of her with that little hussy from the office.

“Oh.” Christina wondered once again how she had let Caroline convince her to come here today. She had told Caroline many times that the accusation was completely false but Caroline would not listen until Christina agreed to come and see for herself, a decision Christina was quick to regret. Still, she was here, so she supposed the time had come to face the truth. She just wished Caroline wasn’t here to witness it.
She washed her hands, drying them slowly, mostly to delay the inevitable, and then took a deep breath.

“Let’s go.” She led the way out of the bathroom door and into the restaurant.

Stephen and three co-workers had just sat down to lunch. Christina and Caroline stood around the corner in the waiting room, watching the proceedings for a few minutes. They had come in just in time to see Stephen holding the sole woman’s chair and gently pushing it up to the table.

“See what I mean!” Caroline hissed in Christina’s ear.

Christina watched for a few moments as the group laughed and joked while perusing their menus. Stephen did indeed seem to pay more attention to the woman, picking her napkin up off the floor when it slid from her lap, leaning towards her when she spoke. Christina’s composure melted. She tried to hold herself together, she didn’t want anyone to see her fall apart, but she just cracked. Stephen was her whole life, she’d built everything around him. She couldn’t allow him to ruin her life this way. How could he do this to her?
She gathered her courage and marched over to the table, her scarf billowing behind her. Caroline stayed a safe distance behind, anticipating the scene that was sure to follow. Stephen glanced up in confusion as his wife came barreling towards them. She whipped off her sunglasses and waved them in his face.

“Stephen Peters, what is the meaning of this?” She practically spat out the words.

“What in the world are you talking about?” Stephen was completely stunned by is wife’s strange appearance at a business lunch. “What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here? I should be asking you that! And who is she?” She stared angrily at the woman next to him.

“She’s Andrea, she’s a realtor in my office. We’re working a deal together. What were you thinking?” He was truly shocked by the insinuation his wife was making. He looked up and caught Caroline staring at him. He was pretty sure where this whole idea had come from.

“Oh, Stephen.” Christina’s face crumbled and her whole body deflated, as though the air had completely left her. She turned slowly towards the front of the restaurant and stumbled to the door, her eyes blinded by the sudden downpour of tears streaming down her face. Stephen sat, stunned by what had just occurred, and then suddenly pulled his chair back and raced out of the restaurant after his wife.

He found her in the parking lot, desperately looking in all directions for a way out of this mess. She didn’t want to ride back home in Caroline’s car and she definitely didn’t want to go back inside and ask Stephen to bring her home. She was considering wiping her eyes, pulling herself together, and walking to the nearest hotel to just calling a cab when Stephen caught up with her.

“Christina,” He swung her around to face him and held her arms to her side, “What in the world was that all about?”

“I don’t know, I don’t know,” she mumbled semi incoherently, “I just couldn’t pretend anymore Stephen. I couldn’t pretend that I don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?” He was becoming exasperated, “There is nothing to know!”

“Oh Stephen, don’t lie to me.” She gazed up at him, pleading with her eyes for him to somehow make everything all better. He was having none of it.

“I can’t believe you d-, no, I can believe it. You have no faith in me whatsoever, do you? You march into my business lunch, make a complete fool out of both of us, accuse me of God knows what that is completely in your mind- or Caroline’s mind is more like it- and then somehow blame me for the whole thing and call me the liar! I don’t think so, Christina. The only liar here is whoever told you there was anything going on between me and Andrea, but I don’t expect you to believe me. Why should you start now.” He ran his right hand roughly through his hair and sighed heavily.

Christina just looked up at him, her mouth hanging open slightly. This was not how she imagined this confrontation going. He was supposed to take her in his arms and reassure her of his love and promise to never see that woman again. He wasn’t supposed to get angry with her.

“Here,” he tossed her his car keys, “take my car home. I’ll catch a ride with Brian.” He gave her a hard look and repeated, “With Brian.”

She took the keys and slowly walked towards his car, stopping to glance behind her and stare at her husband’s retreating back. He moved quickly back into the restaurant and she continued on to the car.
As soon as she was safe inside the car with all the doors locked, she leaned her head against the steering wheel and felt the torrent of tears begin again. She could barely process the scene that had just occurred. She could barely even think. All she knew for sure was that the perfect façade she tried to portray to the world had just been ripped forcibly away by her own decision to confront her husband in a public place. She still could not comprehend what could possibly have made her do that. Desperation was the only thing that came to mind, the only thing that could possibly have prompted her to participate in such a public display. She felt the desperation moving over her once again, as the extreme fear of losing her husband took over her rational thought. A sense of helplessness enveloped her and she just lost herself to her tears. A tap on the car window startled her out of her reverie. It was Caroline.

“Go away.” Christina mumbled into the steering wheel.

Caroline tapped again on the window. Christina lifted her head, rolled the window down just a crack and repeated herself, “Go away.”

Caroline took one look at Christina’s red, bloated face and wrinkled her nose in distaste. She shook her head in disgust at the mess her friend was in and pulled on the door handle. Christina was glad she’d remembered to lock it.

“Christina, pull yourself together.” Caroline spoke firmly, “You need to march back in there and make that husband of yours answer for what he’s doing. I can’t believe you let him go back in there to that woman. You should have heard him apologizing all over the place for you barging in like that. He should be apologizing to you, not her!”

“Caroline,” Christina turned the key, started the engine, and said through her teeth, “Go Away.”

Caroline was forced to jump back away from the car as Christina put it in reverse and pulled out of the parking spot. Her tires screeched as she hit the gas and flew out of the parking lot.

Caroline stood there staring after her, her mouth hanging open. After the taillights disappeared, she clamped her mouth shut, wrapped her scarf more tightly around her neck and strode huffily over to her own vehicle, where she sat in wait for Stephen’s exit from the restaurant.

Chapter from Through the Shadows (NaNo 2009)

Beth stared at the group of girls surrounding Christian as he read his latest poem aloud. Class hadn’t yet begun but that didn’t stop him from showing off his latest limerick. Most of the students were laughing along with him, entertained by his humorous rendition of his own words. Mr. Brickell waited for him to finish before officially starting class.

“Thank you, Christian, for that amazing start to our lesson today.” He winked at him and then grinned at the rest of the class. “Limericks are on the agenda today and Christian has just given us a great example of his attempt at the five-line poem, originally made popular by Edward Lear, and before I’ve even assigned the writing of one.”

“I saw it on the syllabus and just made it up before class actually. I’ve always loved limericks, although most of the ones I know I couldn’t repeat in class.” Christian winked at the girl seated closest to him and she giggled.

“Very impressive I must say,” Mr. Brickell continued, “and you are correct. Many would argue that a limerick is not a limerick unless it contains some sort of inappropriate content. However, for the purpose of this assignment, we will be keeping them clean.”

Groans were heard across the room, some in jest, others in earnest. Mr. Brickell continued discussing the history and format of limericks and then gave them the rest of the class to work on their limericks, which meant no homework that day as long as they could finish before the bell rang.

Usually these things came easy to Beth, but she couldn’t seem to wrap her mind around it this afternoon. Something about Christian showing off earlier had just gotten under her skin. He seemed like such a nice guy at first but lately she found him to be an annoyance. Mr. Brickell’s appreciation of his humor and writing skills had left her with a slight feeling of jealousy and she wasn’t sure what to do with the feeling. It was like an irritating itch she couldn’t make go away. She was glad when the bell rang and she could make her escape once again.

Walking slowly by Mr. Brickell’s desk, she waited for him to stop her to chat like he often did but he didn’t even look at her. She stopped and stood there until he looked up at her.

“Hi Beth. Did you need something?” Mr. Brickell wouldn’t meet her eyes and she wondered what was wrong.

“Uh…yeah…well…” Her voice trailed off and she stared at her shoes for a moment before speaking again, “I was just wondering about that story you submitted?” He hadn’t said anything else since he’d told her he’d submitted it and that had been several weeks ago.

“Oh, yes. I was hoping perhaps you’d forgotten about that actually.” He sighed, “They didn’t choose it, Beth. I don’t know why, but they didn’t choose to use your story.”

She blinked back tears, uncertain why she felt so disappointed when she hadn’t wanted it submitted in the first place. She turned to leave and Mr. Brickell stopped her, gripping her arms a little too firmly.

“Hey, Beth. Look at me.” He bent his head toward hers and waited for her to meet his gaze. Once she looked up at him, he continued, “Your story was special. You are special. If they don’t realize that, it’s their loss. Keep at it, girl. Keep writing, you have something special. I know it. “

She bit her bottom lip and tried to get her emotions under control.

“Do you believe me?” He seemed as though he was waiting for a response so she nodded, although she didn’t really believe him at all. He seemed satisfied and stepped back away from her and she took the opportunity to turn and walk out the door. He let her go, moving to the door to watch her walk down the hall until she was out of sight.

She walked about a block, counting backwards from one hundred to try and make the tears stop and the tightness in her chest and throat go away. When she had herself calmed down, she pulled out her iPod and tried to lose herself in the music. “You poor sweet innocent thing. Dry your eyes and testify. And oh, you love to hate me. Don’t you honey? I’m your sacrifice.” She didn’t feel innocent. She felt guilty and she wasn’t even sure of what. Guilty of living. Of taking up space. Of everything and nothing.

For once she hoped one of her parents were home when she arrived. She needed to talk to someone, she needed someone to listen.

There was no car in the driveway. She halfheartedly searched the house for signs of life, but she was alone. Not in the mood for a snack, she headed straight for her room and dropped onto her bed, trying to lose herself in sleep that wouldn’t come.

A few hours later she heard her mother calling her for dinner. When she came into the kitchen she discovered it was just the two of them and that the meal consisted of leftover spaghetti.

“Where’s Dad?” Beth played with her food more than she ate it, she just couldn’t seem to find her appetite.

“He has to work late tonight. Your father has a lot going on at work, you know.” Ruth’s words were almost accusatory and Beth was unsure what she had done to cause the tension.

“I just asked where he was, Geeze.” She put down her fork, “I’m not hungry. Can I go now?”

“Fine.” Ruth wasn’t sure how to talk to her daughter anymore. It seemed easier to just let her go. Maybe in a couple more weeks, when she had finished researching all the suggested options for keeping the cancer away, maybe then she would find the strength to really sit down and talk to her daughter. She’d fix it then.

Beth woke late the next morning, knowing something wasn’t quite right but it took her a moment to place it. The cool morning breeze was a bit stronger than usual and the curtains snapped briskly back and forth. She blinked, rubbing at her eyes, and then realized her window was open. Not just open to the cold, but actually wide open. She got up to look out and saw the screen lying haphazardly on the ground outside.

Ruth chose that moment to tap lightly and open the bedroom door, intending to let her daughter know that she would be late for school if she didn’t get moving quickly.

“Oh good, you’re up.” She half turned to leave and suddenly gasped, staring at the wall over her daughter’s bed. Beth looked up to see what had frightened her mother.

I SEE YOU.

Giant letters, scrawled in red marker across her wall.

Eyes wide, Beth turned to look at her mother, “Mom, it-“

She was cut off by her mother’s scream. Startled, she fell back against the window, catching her elbow on the sill and crying out as pain shot up her arm.

“Your face.” Ruth pointed at her cheek, “Bethie, look at your face.”

Still rubbing her elbow, Beth walked carefully over to the mirror above her dresser. A sharp intake of breath was her only response as she stared at her reflection.

A clumsily drawn heart, the same shade of red as the markings on her wall, marred her left cheek.

Fiction: To Be Real (8)

2010-05-12T19:49:00.000-04:00

After a couple of weeks of Marty and I being the new faces in the unit, we came back from volleyball to find a new girl on observation in the common living area. She was sitting in the middle of the couch, looking sad and angry at the same time. Marty and I both remembered how tough it had been when we first arrived and so we walked over and sat on either side of her.

“Suicide or alcohol? Or maybe you’re anorexic?” Marty looked her over, “You don’t look anorexic.”

“Hey!” The girl sneered at Marty, ”You do, and I ain’t saying that as a compliment, stick girl.”

Great Marty, that was a good way of making someone feel more comfortable. I shot her a dirty look and turned to the new girl. “Ignore the stick girl. And she’s not anorexic. She’s suicide and alcohol.” I smirked at Marty who glared back at me and then laughed.

“Ok, fine. What I meant was, what you in for?” Marty grinned and raised her eyebrows in question, not willing to let the new girl off the hook.

The girl sighed and stared straight ahead, away from either of us. “Alcohol. They were going to put me in that other unit where most of the drunks and druggies are but there wasn’t any room. Instead I’m here with the crazies.”

“Excuse me?” I was taking offense at that one. Only the crazies were allowed to call each other crazies. And she was probably crazier than the rest of us and just didn’t know it. “Who you calling crazy? You don’t look all that hot yourself, sister. Forgive us for trying to be friendly.” I looked at Marty,”Let’s go, stick girl.”

Marty didn’t seem to appreciate her new nickname but she pushed herself off the couch and followed me over to the small refrigerator in the room anyway, where we started digging for something to drink. I pulled out a small can of pineapple juice and leaned against the counter, drinking and observing the new girl. The shrinks weren’t the only ones who liked to analyze people. Yep, she seemed crazy all right. She sat, still staring straight ahead, ignoring us completely for about five minutes. Marty and I stood, leaning on the counter, sipping our juice for the same five minutes, trying to pretend it didn’t annoy us that she was so good at ignoring us. I was frantically wracking my brain for something crazy I could do to freak her out, since she had already decided I was crazy, when she turned and looked right at us and said, ”I almost killed someone.”

What did I say? Crazy for sure. We stood, staring at her, waiting for her to say more or one of us to figure out the right response to someone’s confession of near murder.

“Okay.” That was Marty’s brilliant contribution.

“Okay?” The girl seemed surprised at the lack of reaction. “Okay? I almost killed someone and all you can say is okay?” She started to laugh, ”You guys really are crazy.”

“Maybe, but at least we didn’t try to off anyone. Other than ourselves of course.” I laughed along with her and then Marty joined in and suddenly we were all laughing hysterically, tears running down our eyes, not even understanding why we were laughing but enjoying every minute of the release. Marty and I collapsed on the couch with the girl, laughing until we could no longer breathe and then we all lay back against the back of the couch and wiped our eyes and caught our breath and the mood became more introspective. We sat in quiet for a few minutes, each of us lost in our own thoughts, and then the new girl spoke. “I’m Katy and that was pretty half funny.”

“Pretty half funny?” I managed a giggle, “yeah, I guess it was. I’m Stephanie.”

“Hey wait, wait,” Marty jumped to her feet and put on the most serious expression she could imagine, “Hello, my name is Marty and I’m a crazy lunatic suicidal alcoholic.” She laughed softly, still too out of breath to lose herself in laughter again. Katy and I both giggled and she fell back onto the couch next to us, where we all proceeded to trip over each other in conversation as we tried to out do each other with stories of our own craziness. We stayed there until our free time was up and we had to leave Katy to her PB& J and head to dinner with the rest of the group.

Soul Sisters

2010-05-07T16:50:00.001-04:00

We sat together, week after week, sharing struggles and tears, praises and laughter. We stood together, even when feeling self-conscious or silly, and spoke words of truth into each others souls. We prayed together in bathrooms and cars and parking lots.

Imperfect, some days even exasperating, but we found a bond as sisters in Christ. Encouraging, loving, sharing our lives together (even if only once a week). Lives and hearts changing in a church basement, around a table and a TV, coffee close at hand.

I'm thankful for the women in my Friday morning Bible study. This is the church at work. Not a building, not a service, not any one person- but the body of Christ loving one another and walking together on a journey of ups and downs; Walking together as we seek to love and know Christ more.

I am blessed.

Just Checking In

2010-04-30T17:21:00.000-04:00

Just a post acknowledging the fact that I am Not-So-Super and just when I start keeping up with this blog again, I fall away. There is so much in life I want to do, I wish I had more lives to live. But then again, I really don't. One is difficult enough at times!

I went to a workshop on organization last weekend. Do I think it will help? Doubtful.

My teenage boys wanted to play video games with Mom yesterday afternoon. It was my son's 13th birthday. He and his almost 15 year old brother said they'd clean the family room anytime I would come and hang with them and play. They want to hang with Mom. Yeah, that's worth being Not-So-Super in the blogging arena.

I'm here, reviewing and chatting on the homeschool blog mostly. Perhaps I will suddenly find myself with a schedule that says, "Tuesday, 3pm: Blog". It could happen. But then one of my kids will want to play or that great book I need to review will give me the eye or I'll get lost researching who knows what.

Of course, last time I posted something like this, I suddenly found myself blogging again. So maybe I'm just hoping for a little of that Murphy's Law, known around these parts as Lori's Law.

Wordless Wednesday- Sweet Shoes

2010-04-21T10:48:00.000-04:00

Not Me Monday; Sleepy Wild Thing

2010-04-19T13:14:00.001-04:00

It's time for "Not Me" Monday. I'm sure I've been more "Not Me-ish" than I can remember, but it seems as though last week was somewhat calm for the Not-So-Superwoman. Let's see if I can think of a couple of things I did not do...

I definitely did NOT choose Wild Thing as the song that best described me during our small group game. And my oldest daughter did NOT choose the same song because it's "our" song. I am NOT that kind of Mom. And I sure didn't question my own sanity all the way home, just because one of the men in our group could think of no one but me who would have written down the song, Crazy. I'm NOT crazy.

I did NOT borrow my friends Spanish DVD only to find mine the next day. Nope, this is NOT becoming a common occurrence.

I did NOT recommend a movie to friends that I hadn't seen in twenty years and had forgotten about all the er..."inappropriate" parts. And then I certainly did NOT spit water out my nose and all over myself when my friend jokingly quoted one of these parts to me.

I did NOT sleep in the van during my "date day" with my husband because I was so completely exhausted and I did NOT then fall asleep with my head on his shoulder the minute we started watching a movie with friends that same night.

Nope, Not Me.

This week I attend our state homeschool convention. It should be fun sharing all the things I did NOT do next Monday!

That'll Teach Him to Steal From His Father

2010-04-15T17:52:00.000-04:00

We headed off to homeschool park day today, picking up my oldest daughter and the baby she nannies for on the way. We were there for a couple of hours and at one point my daughter asked her fourteen year old brother to walk over to the library down the road and fill the baby's bottle with water. Off he went and when he returned he had a rather embarrassed look on his face.

"Um, yeah. I was getting some weird looks walking around with this baby bottle.", he told all the Mom's sitting at the picnic table. When he received raised eyebrows in reply, he pointed to his shirt. He couldn't find a clean shirt this morning and so he had stolen one from his father's drawer.

It read, "Dad's Weekend Shirt".

We laughed so hard, we cried.

Fiction: To Be Real (7)

2010-04-14T19:49:00.000-04:00

I must have been asleep for a few hours when the screaming started. Swimming through the waves of sleep to reach a foggy consciousness, I slowly climbed out of my bed. For a moment I stood, trying to comprehend what was happening, and then all rational thought flew from my head when I realized the screams were coming from Marty. My roommate was right behind me as I rushed out of the room and into the hall. Several of the guides and nurses were there as well, trying to wrestle Marty to the ground as she screamed and fought. They all came around her, some grabbing arms and some grabbing feet, and managed to get a grip on her despite the wild punches and kicks she was aiming their way. They maneuvered her down to the Quiet Room, while she continued fighting and screaming. The screaming pierced right through me. I stood, frozen, horrified. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Not Marty, I thought, tears stinging my eyes, they can not do this to Marty. I sucked in as much air as I could and let out a yell, running haphazardly down the hall toward the group of people wrestling my friend into the Quiet room.

“No! What are you doing!?” I grabbed on to one of the guides and tried to pull her away from my friend, "Stop! Please, stop!". I was promptly shoved away and I fell to the floor, crying hysterically, still unsure of exactly what was happening. I buried my head in my arms and sat, rocking back and forth in the middle of the hall, listening to Marty’s screams as they finally landed her in the Quiet Room and locked the door. I could hear the pounding as she attempted to slam herself into the walls of the room. Even knowing she couldn’t do much damage to herself in there, the sounds were excruciating to hear and I shoved my hands over my ears, trying to stop the sound, trying to make it all go away. I was still there, rocking furiously back and forth, when Missy, the newest guide in our unit, came over and put her arm around me. I looked up, her face blurry through my tears. She helped me to my feet and led the way to the lounge. I glanced around, expecting to see other patients in the hall as well, but I was the only one. My room mate must have headed back when I made a run for the guides.

We sat in the lounge for a little bit and talked about what had just happened. Apparently Marty had decided she really did need that alcohol she was being denied while in this place and thought drinking her hair spray might relieve her craving. Her room mate, Rachel, didn’t think that was the wisest choice and was worried for her safety so she let her guide know what was happening. When the guide came in to put a stop to it and take the hair spray, Marty completely lost it and began fighting her for the hair spray bottle, which caused all the guides to come running and earned her a stay in the Quiet Room. I could understand why they couldn’t let Marty drink hair spray or fight the guides, but that didn’t remove the image of her being wrestled to the ground and dragged to the Quiet Room out of my mind. It made her seem less human, more crazy. Were we all? Were we just teenagers having a hard time dealing with life, needing a little time away? Or were we truly lunatics, here for the shrinks to experiment on and diagnose and write up their research and treat however they wanted? Why were we here? Why was I here? And would I be thrown like a bad puppy into a cage someday too?

I didn’t share any of these feelings with Missy. I mostly just let her talk and explain and when she asked why I had come running, I told her the truth. I was scared and didn’t know what else to do. It was just instinct, not conscious thought. I tended to act too much on instinct rather than thinking through my actions. That was how I ended up here in the first place, remember? We talked a little longer and she was able to calm me down and we headed back to my room, where I fell in to a disturbed sleep...and woke to another nightmare.

I got up that morning, exhausted from the events of the night before, having no idea that the morning would be any different from all of the other routine mornings I had experienced thus far. I headed out to get my deadly weapons, otherwise known as my curling iron and hair dryer, and was surprised to see so many of the other patients milling around, still in their pajamas, robes and slippers. They were gathered in small groups, whispering loudly and making no move to return to their rooms to prepare for the day.I walked over to the friendliest looking group and asked Chris what was going on.

“We’re on lock down.” He whispered loudly and then leaned right into my ear and said very quietly, ”It’s because of you.”

I swallowed hard, suddenly afraid, and asked him what in the world he was talking about,”What’s lock down?”

“None of us can leave this unit for any reason other than shrink appointments. No meals, no volleyball, no nothing. PB & J sandwiches until they remove lock down. And word is, it’s your fault.” He looked upset for me rather than at me.

“My fault? What’d I do?” I was afraid I knew the answer and the look he gave me showed he knew I knew as well.

“You don’t think your attack on the guides last night would just be forgotten, did you?” He lifted his eyebrows at me and then stared across the room, apparently deep in thought.

“I don’t know. Maybe.” I pulled my robe tighter about me, suddenly conscious of everyone’s eyes on me. And they didn’t look too friendly. “I talked to Missy last night and I figured that was enough. She sure didn’t make it seem like I was going to be punished for it. And why lock down the whole place?”

“I overheard a few of the nurses at the nurse’s station this morning. Missy’s new and she almost got fired for not following procedure last night. She was supposed to make you go right back to your room and deal with you this morning but she took you in the lounge and talked to you all night.”

I interrupted, ”It wasn’t all night, just like half an hour or so.”

“Whatever.” He seemed annoyed at my interruption, “All night or not, she wasn’t supposed to do that and now she’s under some kind of job probation or whatever and she can’t screw up again.”

“But why lock down everyone?” I still didn’t get that. “And why is it my fault? Marty’s the one they threw in the Quiet Room!” My voice was beginning to rise and Chris told me to quiet down, everyone was already staring.

Daniel, one of the guides, called for everyone’s attention. “All right everyone, make a line to retrieve your items from the storage closet and then return to your rooms and get dressed. There is bread, peanut butter and jelly available in the common area. After you have dressed, make yourself a sandwich and sit tight. The doctors will be here in a few hours for a unit meeting. Until that time, everyone is to stay inside this unit. We are officially in lock down mode.”

This announcement was met with an explosion of voices, as all of the whispered questions were vocalized and directed towards Daniel. He unlocked the storage cupboard and refused to answer any questions, only restating that there would be a unit meeting in a few hours and everything would be discussed at that time.
I stood in line for my things; trying to ignore the dirty looks I knew were being aimed my way. I still didn’t understand why they would lock down the unit but one thing I did know was that I was not looking forward to that unit meeting with the shrinks. I looked straight down at my feet and returned to my room, wondering how I was going to get out of this one.

I stared at myself in the mirror, curling my hair without even realizing what I was doing. I completed my morning routine on auto pilot, not even recognizing the face I saw in the mirror. Who are you? I thought. “Who are you?”

I didn’t realize I had said it out loud until my room mate hollered from outside the door, asking what I was talking about. I ignored her. I just brushed my hair, stroke after stroke, growing more and more distant from the girl in the mirror. I stayed in my room until the unit meeting was called, not ready to come and face the questions and stares. As I walked into that room, everyone already seated in a circle, the shrinks, the guides and the other patients staring at me, I wished I hadn’t waited so long. At least I was glad I hadn’t eaten anything because my stomach was jumping and turning and twisting. Throwing up in front of this room full of people would have been humiliating. Walking to my seat, with every eye on me, was bad enough. I sat and stared at the floor. The meeting began.

"Not Me" Monday: First Post

2010-04-12T13:43:00.002-04:00

I've always wanted to write a "Not Me" post and here I am and here I attempt. First Not Me Monday post ever. Check it out, then go make your own!

I did NOT put a plastic container of science experiment boogers in the refrigerator right next to the ham and romaine lettuce. I certainly did NOT label said container with the four letter word, SNOT.

I did NOT wait two years to actually get to that volcano science kit I bought. And I did NOT have to console my kids when all the chemicals were too dried out to work anymore. I did NOT try using vinegar and baking soda and somehow screw that up enough that our volcano merely bubbled and seeped out onto the table and floor, causing everyone to have bright red hands for a few hours after clean up. Nope, not me.

I did NOT hold up the line at Borders coffee shop while the barista checked nutritional info so I could figure out Weight Watcher points.

And I did NOT panic when purchasing books at the cash register because my school debit card was inexplicably missing. I did NOT spend time on the phone with the bank, assuring myself that no one had run off with all my school money, only to later discover my debit card was lost in my wallet. I did NOT lose my own debit card in my own wallet only to find it shoved beneath my BJ's Membership card.

I did NOT sing "soft kitty, warm kitty" at my homeschool meeting. In public. I did NOT laugh extremely loudly with my friend Lizzie at this meeting and I did NOT bring Volume 1 of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer comics back to the table to peruse during support group time.

I did NOT assure the librarian that I had, in fact, returned the book they had somehow lost- only to find it the next day underneath a couch cushion.

Nope. That was definitely "Not ME".

Five Question Friday

2010-04-09T17:51:00.001-04:00

1. Who would you want to play you in a movie of your life?

Unlike my friend Terri, I love pop culture. And I think a movie of my life could be quite hilarious. And scary. It could be a comedy romance thriller horror flick. Like I said, scary.

I am not even going to attempt to choose someone who looks anything like me. Everytime I get this question, I just choose who I would want to look like, if I had that choice. So I would be played by none other than the beautiful Gina Torres.

2. Did you ever go to summer camp?

I don't think so. I went to a weekend winter camp once. This is where I had my first kiss. By winning a bet. All for a can of soda and bragging rights. Not so memorable. Or recommended.

3. What sends you running and screaming in the other direction?

Beans. You know, the nasty refried things. They're just gross. I can't even have them in my house. Ew.

4. What is something you do that drives your spouse nuts?

Me? Do something that drives him nuts? Never!

Okay, maybe there's a few things...like when I get mad at him in a dream and wake up angry. Or when I don't believe him when he says he thinks I'm beautiful. Or when I click my pen constantly. Or talk too loudly on the phone in public. Or drive.

5. What is currently your favorite song?

I have no idea. I have many favorites! I love everything by Third Day. I adore Mighty to Save. And one that I will turn up if it comes on the radio is Breathe: 2 AM. I love, love, these lyrics; "If I get it all down on paper, its no longer inside of me, threatening the life they belong to/And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd/Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud/ And I know that you'll use them, however you want to."

Fiction: To Be Real (6)

2010-03-31T19:21:00.000-04:00

I thought I could learn to play the system and get out of there. It didn’t quite seem to work though. The shrinks just wanted to diagnose you and get their money from you but the people you spent every day with were very real. And they wanted to break through all those walls I had so carefully erected. They demanded to be written into the script, even as I was busy trying to write them out.

Tonya was one of those demanding to be let into my head. And she was a tough one to try and say no to as she was used to getting her own way. After all, who was going to mess with the female version of Arnold Schwarzenegger? Every time she was assigned as my guide she would push and push until I gave her something.

She started small. “So what do you think about Rick?”

“He’s okay, I guess. His boots are ridiculous.” He loved wearing these leather moccasin type boots that laced all the way up to his knees. “I told him he looks like Peter Pan when he wears those things. He didn’t appreciate it.”

“You think you were just trying to get his attention when you said that?”

Get out of my head. So what if I was.

“Nope. I just think he looks like Peter Pan and he should know that before he chooses to walk around in those things.”

“Mmmhmm.” She wrote something in her folder.

“What are you writing? Stephanie has a Peter Pan complex? Why do you have to take notes anyway? It’s creepy.” I sat back against the wall. We were sitting on the floor in the hallway leading to the bedrooms. It was a few minutes before bedtime.

“It helps me. Sometimes it’s hard to keep track of you all. You wouldn’t want me getting your behavior mixed up with someone else’s, would you?”

I thought about Bobby, who was constantly rocking and staring and never actually seeing anything. “Uh, no. That’s okay. You go ahead and keep all our craziness straight. Take all the notes you like. Only don’t say anything about me wanting Rick’s attention, k? ‘Cause that’s just messed up.”

She just smiled at me and kept writing in that folder. Great.

**************************************

I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was handling my emotions pretty well. I was calm. I was composed. I hadn’t tried to kill myself. Or anyone else for that matter. I played volleyball even.   I was making it through the first few days just fine.

And then came my first family beating. Okay, it was really called a family meeting, but c’mon, what do you think it would really be like to sit and talk about all the problems you never wanted to talk about in the first place with some shrink and your parents. Or one half of your parents anyway. My dad wasn’t exactly in the vicinity so my mom was it. Come on in, lady, and bear the brunt of the shrink’s opinion that everything is your fault. Woah.

I wished I could just go to sleep and tune out Sharon’s grating voice. I didn’t have any idea why a woman like her would choose to go into a career like psychiatry but maybe she was searching for answers she’d never found, for she had to be one of the most unhappy people I had ever met. And she seemed to like taking out her displeasure with life on those of us who’d tried to get out of it. She seemed particularly happy when making others squirm.   And she was very good at making me squirm. I wondered how this was supposed to make me better. Was I supposed to decide to live in order to rid the world of people like Sharon? I could become the good fairy and fly around sprinkling happy dust. Although I had a feeling she’d just blow it all away. Poof.

“What made you hit your ex boyfriend that day at school?” The way she said it made me feel as though I was being interrogated. She pursed her lips together and tapped her index fingers together and waited for my response.

“He’s a lying, filthy, cheat. In other words, he’s male. Anymore questions?” I smirked back at her.

“I see. And why did you take that razor blade to your wrists?” She didn’t seem to have heard my previous response.

“I think I just answered that.” I spit out at her, glaring. Something about her just made me angry.

“No, you didn’t.” She leaned forward in her chair and pinned me in mine with a look. “Plenty of girls break up with their boyfriends. Plenty of these are because he has found someone new. What makes one girl go on and find someone new, maybe drowning her sorrows in chocolate and bad movies, and one go slice her wrists open with a razor blade? Tell me, why is that?”

“Uh, one’s crazy?” I was feeling the tears well up in my eyes and I refused to give her the satisfaction. So instead, I got mad. “Why don’t you tell me, lady?” My voice began to rise. “Aren’t you the one getting paid the big bucks to tell me what my problem is? If I knew what my problem was, I wouldn’t be here in the first place, okay? But apparently chocolate and a few bad movies weren’t cutting it when I am starring in a bad movie of my own!”

Uh oh. I hadn’t meant to let that last item slip. Too much information. She wasn’t supposed to get anything real from me. She sat back in her chair, satisfaction on her face. Apparently getting me to yell at her was some kind of success?

She took her attention off of me and turned it to my mom, quizzing her on my childhood and making her share all the bad things I had experienced and of course insinuating that all of this was entirely her fault. I didn’t exactly enjoy everything in my life so far, but I didn’t think it was fair to lay the blame at my mother’s feet. She was only doing the best she could. After all, it wasn’t entirely her fault that she had really bad taste in men. She’d gotten rid of them all at this point anyway and was on her own. I didn’t like Sharon getting in her face like this and just wanted to shout at her to leave my mother alone. I could feel myself getting angry again and didn’t want to give that shrink the satisfaction, so I just tuned them both out. I began composing a new poem in my mind.

Once it was finally over and I had said goodbye to my mother, I decided to write out the new poem in my journal. Tonya happened to be my guide that day and she would be happy to see something other than,”Today was fine.” Let her figure out what it all meant. I began to write;

Quiet!

I need silence.
Quiet!
I need peace.

But the voices just won’t
Quiet
And the screaming just won’t
Quiet
And my life, it is too
Quiet
And my God, He is so
Quiet

Where’s the
Quiet
In this place?

I finished writing and sat, staring into space. I felt so tired. Just so tired. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and yell and rage at the world and bang my head against the wall until the blood streamed down my face, washing away all the tears. So many tears. But I just sat and stared. And wondered what I really wanted and if I would ever feel like singing again. If I would ever write a happy poem. If I would ever really know what it was like to not ache inside every minute of the day, no matter what expression I showed the world. I sat and I stared and I wondered where God was and why He seemed so quiet when everything else wouldn’t stop screaming.

And I slept.

Wordless Wednesday - An American Idol Funny

2010-03-31T11:00:00.000-04:00

Tagged! A Meme! It's Been So Long!

2010-03-30T17:15:00.000-04:00

I have been focusing so much on my review blog that I neglect this one, as well as my bloggy friends. Due to this, it's been forever since I have been tagged in a meme. And I am a sucker for memes. I like being tagged, I like participating in silly stuff, I have not grown up yet. Fun, fun, fun. And Terri tagged me in a meme and now I get to play. Joy, joy, joy.

In this meme, you must open your pictures folder, pick the 10th photo in the 1st folder, and post it. You then share the story behind the photo and tag five more bloggy buddies. So here's the picture;

This would be my oldest, last summer, skim boarding at the beach. His friend Matt is in the background. No story to go with this, as I wasn't actually there, but boy, does this make me ready for summer! Bring on the sun and the sand!

And now to tag five people. Are there even five people left who actually read this blog? I'm really not sure. So if you are actually reading this, consider yourself tagged! And leave me a comment with the link to your photo so I can check it out too. :-D

To Be Real (5)

2010-03-30T16:05:00.000-04:00

Since it was Saturday we had no school time to deal with and we were all herded to the gym. I was hoping for some simple aerobics, exercise, whatever. What I found was my worst nightmare.

A volleyball net was set up in the middle of the gym.

Now that may not strike fear into the hearts of millions, but for me this was the stuff nightmares were made of. Here I was, depressed, despondent, on the edge, whatever you wanted to call it and they were going to throw me into a situation which would make it clear to everyone what a complete and utter idiot I was. Uh uh, wasn’t going to happen.

I refused to play. The guides insisted. I held my ground. They held theirs. Since I had absolutely no control over any aspect of my life at that point, they won. I headed out to take my position, under extreme protest. Rick, one of the other “inmates” gave me a condescending look and told me to get my act together. I tried to wither him with my stare but it became all wavery as tears came close to spilling over and so I just looked away. Which was my first mistake of many. The ball came flying over the net straight towards me and of course, I didn’t see it. Whack. Right off the top of my head and into the corner of the gym. Great start.

Rick let me know right away that I was living up to his very low expectations and sighed as nastily as he could manage. He was actually pretty cute and even though I had sworn off men for life, it was tough to have such a good looking specimen staring at me with such disgust. I decided to pull myself together and give this thing a try. The ball came my way again and this time I jumped to try and hit it. I flew sideways and made a fist, throwing my arm toward the ball and missing completely. The volleyball spun right past me and I saw it all in a blur as I slipped on the gym floor and fell flat on my rear end.

“Maybe if you had some real shoes you could at least stay on your feet.” Rick didn’t seem to want to leave me alone in my misery. He glanced down at my checkered Vans, which were the closest things to sneakers I would allow on my feet, and shook his head. I promptly burst into tears, ashamed at allowing the others to see my distress but unable to hold anything back. The guides just left me sitting in the middle of the court, sobbing, with everyone staring at me with various expressions. For a few minutes, no one moved.

Now this may not have seemed like such a big deal to many people, but for me, as non athletic as I was, this was not exactly top on my list of ways that I would chose to help people work through their problems. Day One off the suicide watch was not proving to be fun. Put me back in the room with the PB&J and ignore me for awhile. That was sounding pretty good, as boring as it may have been. I really just wanted the floor to open up and swallow me at that point. Rick came over and squatted down next to me.

“Hey.” He spoke softly, so I was the only one to hear, “You can do it you know. It’s only volleyball. Just get up and try.” He stood up and held out his hand.

Well, that was an abrupt change of tune. Man, he was getting cuter by the minute. But I had sworn off the male species entirely. Still, I grabbed his hand and let him pull me to my feet.

“I happen to like my shoes.” I sniffed at him. Oh, that was clever.

To Be Real (4)

2010-03-29T20:37:00.003-04:00

(Skipped the section about settling into rooms and meeting other patients, moved on to group therapy.)

We gathered in the main living area, pulling in chairs around the couches and forming a large circle. Then we sat and stared at each other, waiting for the bigwigs to arrive. I noticed that the guy seated two seats over from me was the same guy who’d been wrestled into the body bag the previous day. Eyeing him with curiosity, I wondered what his story was. He sat slouched in his chair, shifting position every few moments, eyes darting all over the room. I caught Marty’s eye and we grinned, ready to interrogate him the first chance we got.

The shrinks walked in then, four of them in their white coats and carrying their clipboards and file folders. I shrank back in my chair, the game over, the plot taking a new twist I wasn’t ready for. I could play the role, observe as a journalist, participate as a character, and go through the motions of life a little longer- but the last thing I wanted was some supposed expert trying to dig through my psyche and label me. I had labeled myself enough as it was. I didn’t need their diagnoses, thank you very much. I sat quietly, hoping to go unnoticed, a freak among a roomful of freaks.

No such luck. We each had to share and we newbies had to open up and tell everyone else what we had done to get ourselves in this place. Whether we wanted to share or not. Supposedly sharing all our sordid secrets would help us to move past them and deal with them better. Ha.

Some of the people in this place really did seem crazy. There was this one guy named Bobby who sat in his chair rocking back and forth the entire time and when it was his turn to talk he mumbled some gibberish even I couldn’t understand. Something about wolves and aliens and metaphysics. Uh…yeah, okay dude. And then there was John. Apparently he had an anger problem and put his fist through pretty much everything that got in his way, including his mother. He didn’t look all that scary to me though. He was kind of a big guy, meaning he looked like he ate Twinkies for breakfast, but he smiled at me and when he did, he looked like he wouldn’t hurt a fly. Hmm…wonder what kind of stuff set him off. Now that’d be a fun experiment if things got too boring in this place.

For the most part though, we were a bunch of depressed teenagers who didn’t know how to deal with this world and had at some point decided to try their luck with the next one. Assuming that there was a next one.

The inevitable finally occurred and it was my turn to spill my guts. Not happening. I shared as little as possible. I’m not into the big group whine fest. Everybody feel sorry for me please. Oh? Your life sucks worse than mine? Well, hey, then what am I moping around here for. You got it worse than me, I’m cured. I’m cured. Yeah right. I noticed Chris watching me. He wasn’t buying my whole calm, everything’s fine spiel, I could tell. Hopefully I was doing a better job fooling the shrinks. Probably not.

As bad as the group therapy was, things were about to get worse.

Wordless Wednesday - Sisters

2010-03-24T17:51:00.003-04:00

A Song for Sunday

2010-03-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

Fiction: To Be Real (3)

2010-03-19T16:40:00.001-04:00

I spent the first twenty four hours in the main living space, sleeping on the couch and doing my best to ignore anyone who came my way. New arrivals were not allowed to move into their room until they’d been observed for twenty four hours by the nurses and mental health workers who congregated at the nurses station directly over looking the living space. I wasn’t allowed to go to any activity, meals included. My only choice was to live on the peanut butter, jelly, and loaves of bread provided in the cupboards on the far wall of the living area. Unimpressed, I chose to spend the twenty four hours sleeping as much as possible. Let them think what they want. I wasn’t trying to prove anything to anyone.

Another girl came in soon after me and was placed on the couch on the opposite wall. She was much more communicative than I and spent the time chatting with others around her. I learned her name was Marty and that she was there because she too had attempted suicide and obviously failed. Her family didn’t know what to do with her, so they stuck her in this place. Same as the rest of us, for the most part (or so it seemed to me at the time). She was dressed all in black, even her hair was dyed jet black, and she seemed to have a fondness for leather and tight clothing. Which only emphasized the fact that she could do with eating a few more peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. The girl was thin as a rail and I thought she looked quite ridiculous. If there was one positive thing I could say about myself, it was that I would never let my emotions mess with my fashion sense.

She caught me staring, ”What’re you think you’re looking at?”

“Still trying to figure that out.”

I know, I know it’s as old as time and pretty lame, but it was all I could come up with at that point. She just stuck her tongue out at me and turned her face towards the wall. I did the same, wishing I was anywhere else.

“What the…”

We both shot up out of our prone positions on the couch when we heard shouting and banging coming from down the hall and seemingly heading toward us. Several of the workers were struggling to carry a large teenage boy sideways down the hallway. He was kicking and twisting and doing his best to get out of their arms and screaming and shouting filthy things all the while. The whole mess was headed straight by the couch Marty had been lying on and she quickly jumped up and ran over to share my couch while we watched the proceedings, unable to get away from it even if we’d wanted to. The adults managed to get him into the room next to the nurse’s station, the room I later discovered was called “the Quiet Room”. This room was designed with padded walls and floor and came complete with a “body bag”, which was basically a straight jacket for the entire body so one would be unable to move their arms or legs. I later learned that most times kids would just be treated to some time in the Quiet Room, sans the body bag, but this guy was getting the full treatment.

They got him settled in and locked the door from the outside before they even thought to glance at us. We didn’t seem to merit a second glance, so we stayed huddled on my couch, our earlier animosity forgotten as we pondered the boy’s fate and what he could have done to cause such a scene. Soon enough, one of the bigwig shrinks came in and headed for the Quiet Room. He stopped long enough to order Marty back to her own couch and then disappeared inside the room. We laughed when we heard the shouting begin again, because this time it was directed at the shrink, and vowed to discover what had landed this kid in the body bag. Our friendship was cemented right there, a friendship that would last throughout my time in that place.

Five Question Friday

2010-03-19T16:01:00.000-04:00

My super cool friend, Terri, has been participating in Five Question Friday for a few weeks now and each week I think, "Hey, that seems like fun. I should join in too." It takes me awhile to move from the thought to the action, but here I am! So here goes nothing...

1. Have you ever had a celeb sighting?

Um, yeah...I hate to remind anyone of this but there was that whole Joss Whedon is in Barnes & Noble experience. I am a major fan (in case you have no idea who I am talking about, he is the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly, Serenity, Dollhouse, and Doctor Horrible. Among other things.). I instantly became a thirteen year old girl and missed the chance to officially meet a man whose creativity and writing skills I admire greatly. You can read all about it HERE.

2. What temperature do you keep your house?

68-ish in the winter, as cold as possible in the summer. I am a heat wimp. I melt. Apparently I am the wicked with of the west. Or east. Or whichever one melted. Yeah...moving on...

3. Do you notice dust at other peoples homes?

If I do, it just makes me feel better than I'm not the only one. Unless the dust bunnies have overrun the place and I fear for my safety. That'd be bad. 'Cause "bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes".

4. What's the worst job you ever had?

I worked at a day care center that was verbally abusive to the kids. If I had been older, I would have reported them. I should have reported them. As a 17 year old, I just quit. This would be closely followed by the shoe store job where I was to find the perfect pair of pumps for the customer and place each pair on their feet. European women just adored shopping there and er..um...well...some of them did not have the same hygiene habits as we do. Hairy legs and heels, ew.

5. What is your most sentimental possession?

This is a tough one. Hmm. I don't tend to be sentimental about possessions really. I guess I'd have to say my portable hard drives and before you think I've lost my mind, let me explain. My kid's photos are saved on there. Stories, articles, essays, and poetry they have written. Memories stored in files. These I would hate to lose.

What about you? Join in on your blog or in the comment section!

Fiction: To Be Real (2)

2010-03-17T20:08:00.002-04:00

My friend had come in search of me and was alarmed to find me in the state I was in; curled up on the bathroom floor, cloaked in red and so calm. So calm as I watched my life oozing out of me. She, however, was not so calm. She returned with the school guidance counselor, who called my mother and the next thing I knew I was in the local hospital psych ward on suicide watch.

The whole place was a joke. Let’s take a bunch of people of all ages and personalities, who are completely unable to handle life, and throw them together with a TV set, a few packs of cards and maybe a little “occupational therapy” now and then and hope to God they manage to get better. Yeah, that sounds like a brilliant plan. Somehow I managed to convince them that I was okay, that I was no longer living in that bell jar, that I had miraculously emerged and could once again take my place among saner society. Ha. That's what they wanted to believe anyway. And so they sent me back to school, where I promptly attempted to beat the crap out of my ex the first chance I got. After all, I wasn’t real, so what did it matter? And anyway, it’s not like he didn’t deserve it. I wasn’t the strongest girl in town at five foot two and a bit over a hundred pounds. How much damage could I do? Even if I did make sure to hit him where it counts.

I’m not stupid. Crazy maybe, but not stupid.

And that’s how I found myself committed to a psychiatric hospital at age seventeen. Lakeview Psychiatric Hospital was a smaller private hospital that catered to substance abuse and problem teenagers. I was with the latter group, in a unit called STU. I don’t have any idea what the official description was for the unit, but those stuck in there had dubbed it the Suicidal Tendencies Unit. I discovered quickly that it described the majority pretty well.

*Disclaimer*

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-17T17:17:00.002-04:00

Rambles

2010-03-17T17:11:00.000-04:00

Right after I posted the first bit of story yesterday, I read an article explaining why the author believed you should never begin a story with a summary. Which is exactly what I did. Oops. Learning process, as I said. Only I'm learning right out here in cyberspace for anyone to see. Not sure what has come over me. Anyway, I think when I actually edit this mess, I will begin with her in the hospital and then have her summarize. That way the reader will get the tone of the Main Character right away as well. Her personality doesn't quite come through yet. But it will. At least, I think it will.

In other news, the LOST final season is making me scrunchy faced. I'm not sure what I think about this "look sideways" and I hate the pop-up versions. Watched the first one, refuse to watch the rest. Don't spoon feed me the story. I'd rather not have my hand held and walked through the layers of meaning. Please, let the thing stand on its own. You're stealing years of analyzing from frustrated English majors all over the world. Let them have their fun.

I'm sitting in Borders coffee shop, you know, my favorite home away from home. I had this plan to do my Breaking Free study here (I'm an hour early for Writers Group), but then I saw the topic- Mending Hearts Broken By Betrayal. Yeah, um...not in public. I'm thinking I'm going to keep my heart all tucked away right where it is until I'm safe in my home at home (As opposed to away. Yeah, I'm spoon feeding).

Oh, and it's St. Patrick's Day and I'm Irish. So Erin Go Braugh and all that.

Have you noticed I ramble more than I reflect? Didn't start out that way. Could change again. You never know.

Fiction: To Be Real (1)

2010-03-16T16:22:00.001-04:00

Today passed, as did tomorrow and pretty soon the yesterday’s faded and I wasn’t left with much.

Another odd bit of poetry from the pen of Stephanie Miller. I shook my head at the sentence I had just written and sat back in my chair. Perhaps it wouldn't make sense to anyone else, but what was new in that? Besides, it certainly described my feelings well. Only seventeen years of living, I was already at the point of thinking maybe it was enough. My life no longer felt like reality, but rather a surreal dream. Reading Sylvia Plath's book, The Bell Jar, was probably not the best choice but I really identified with her thought that, "To the person in the bell jar, blank and stopped as a dead baby, the world itself is the bad dream". The bell rang and I shuffled out with the rest of the extras. Like a series of screen shots, my life was a bad movie in which I was unwittingly cast in the starring role. I knew they had it all wrong, someone else was needed for this part. I just didn't fit. I wasn't real.

Even the poetry wasn't enough anymore. All the emotions I couldn't control poured out onto the paper but it just wasn't enough. Drops of blood smeared the words as I tried to cut out the ache, but that had stopped working a long time ago. Feeling desperate, I headed to the school for the basketball game. I needed to surround myself with people who thought I was real. I wanted to believe for just a few minutes.

“Don’t look now, Steph. There he is, and he’s with her.” My friend’s tone was one of complete disgust as she pointed out my ex boyfriend arriving with the very girl he’d been fooling around with under my nose. And after all his, “Oh I love you, I want to marry you, you are the one.” Ha. I should have known. Men didn’t seem to have an honest bone in their body when it came to women. He wasn’t any different than any other man in my life up to that point, just another name to add to the long list of heart aches and betrayals, so why was I surprised? “Who needs him?” I told myself, trying so hard to be cold and shut off the emotions. “I’m better off knowing what he is now, before there’s a ring on my finger.” I tried to play the strong woman, the actress who allows nothing to touch her, the tough one. I threw myself into the role, laughed loudly with my friend, and managed to appear as though nothing was wrong.

Until I reached the girls bathroom and threw a punch at the towel dispenser with a strength and hatred I hadn't known I possessed. Locking myself in a stall, weeping over the latest heart ache, it didn't seem as though there were enough of me left to break. It wasn't real, nothing was real. As though I was watching myself from a distance, that delusional girl in the newest teen drama, I stopped the tears and reached inside my purse to pull out the razor blade I had from work. It was supposed to be used for cutting boxes but now it took on a new job, cutting out the hatred, cutting out the pain, cutting out the hopelessness. Sawing at my left wrist, I watched as the blood dripped down on to the tiled floor, watched as it spilled across the flesh of my arm and onto my clothes. I felt nothing. I was nothing. I didn’t really want to die; I just didn’t want to live anymore. It was not a conscious decision to turn to suicide; it wasn’t a conscious decision to do anything. It wasn’t real, I wasn’t real, and none of this mattered anyway. I watched from somewhere above myself until everything began to spin farther and farther away and I became more and more distant from myself. I floated off…

*Disclaimer*

Disclaimer (To Be Real)

2010-03-16T16:13:00.001-04:00

Sticky Note: To Be Real is fiction. No need for anyone to freak out and fear for this poor Stephanie Miller girl. She may want to be real, but she's actually not. And "All Rights are Reserved", although I don't know why anyone would want to steal it, it's mine. You can't have. So there.

So this will teach me to think out loud on the Internet. I just finished skimming through my NaNo novel draft that I thought of as a fictionalized memoir and realized that A. It's more fictionalized than I remembered, which is good. B. It's based on experiences I had in a psychiatric hospital as a teen, as well as the party years afterwards (although my character becomes an alcoholic and I am thankful to say that I did not go all the way down that road) but it is most definitely fiction. And C. It's not finished. Yeah, so the whole sort of sharing my testimony via fiction isn't really valid because I didn't write that part yet. And it's fiction. But maybe this will get me to finish.

Because I'm still feeling like this would be a good thing to share sections of on this blog. I need a purpose for this site at the moment, my focus has been on the homeschool review site. If I worked on a small part of the story at a time, it would help me in editing. At least a quick edit of a first draft. Which is better than nothing.

I write from a first person point of view and describe her feelings as she attempts suicide. I describe incidents that occur in the hospital and the hopelessness she feels. This ultimately shows that her hope isn't found in psychiatry and partying and alcohol, but it takes a bit to get there. I don't want to glorify these things but I also don't want to gloss over them. My intent in sharing is not to bring anyone down but to show that there is hope. This is my disclaimer.

I'm not going to tell you which parts are based in reality and which are pure fiction. This protects friends and family. If you want to ask me about a specific section, go ahead. I may or may not answer. And I may chicken out at some point and suddenly refuse to post more, my bravery is fleeting.

Oh, and please remember this is a barely edited first draft. Writing quality may cause you to noticeably wince. It's a process. Be nice.

What Was Lost, Is Found!

2010-03-16T14:29:00.001-04:00

(Typing that title made me anxious for LOST tonight. Will that sideways universe ever make sense?!)

I found it! My first two NaNo novels were on the hard drive of our old, long dead computer that our own personal Nerd Herder friend had taken to cannibalize. Thankfully, he had not wiped the hard drive and he dropped it off this morning, all finagled with a plug and USB drive. We thought we had backed up everything from that computer but I found lots of previously lost goodies, including my novel first drafts.

Wow. I read the first few chapters of my first two NaNos and realized that my writing has definitely improved. My most recent novel is the best first draft so far. It appears that writing a super-fast crap novel each year really does help your writing skills. So if any of you want to write and are discouraged by the quality, keep writing! Perhaps by year twenty I'll actually have something good.

That said, my first chapter needs some major work before posting here. I only plan to post main sections of the story, so you can follow, but not the entire thing. However, I think the first chapter's kind of important. You know, setting the stage and all. So I hope to do a bit of rewrite. Wait, forget what I just said, I'm not even going to do a massive rewrite. Just a few changes in sentence structure is all I will have time for and if I wait for a massive rewrite, it will never happen. Time to be brave and just post.

Thinking aloud here, via fingertips. Always a scary thing.

In the meantime, check out my post on my homeschool blog. It's something I stumbled across while looking for these old drafts and it's still very timely.

Oh NaNo, My NaNo, Where Art Thou?

2010-03-13T17:18:00.000-05:00

Every November, for the past few years, I have participated in National Novel Writing Month. My second year, I wrote a fictionalized account of my late teen years. This included my bout with depression, psychiatric hospital stay, meeting my husband, and ultimately coming to a relationship with the Lord. For some reason, I have been thinking a lot the last few days about editing it up a bit and posting some of the main sections here on this blog. Not sure if that's a crazy idea or not, but there you have it.

Unfortunately, I can't seem to find my rough first draft anywhere! We have two portable hard drives and I believed my first two NaNo novels to be safe and sound on one of them. I can't find either anywhere. My husband is looking for them now, as I try unsuccessfully not to mourn the loss of 100,000 words and two very raw stories that had some potential in massive rewrites. This post is merely an outlet to whine about my inability to find it, with the faint hope that if I throw this out there, I will suddenly discover it hiding somewhere.

Yummy Recipe Link

2010-03-11T13:01:00.002-05:00

My friend, Terri, has started a new blog that I am loving. She posted a recipe for her homemade version of a coffee coolatta. It looks major yum (Major Yum, Saaluuute), so I had to share! Check it out HERE.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-10T10:47:00.002-05:00

I Can't Always Keep Up. . .and that's okay.

2010-02-19T18:04:00.001-05:00

I'm constantly feeling guilty about neglecting this blog. It's not that I don't have things to say, I do. I frequently write blog posts in my head and just don't manage to get them out. Today, that guilt was released. I will still blog here whenever I can, but another blogger hit the nail on the head for why I can't always keep up with two blogs. I'm not saying those who do are bad moms, on the contrary. I'm sure there are moms with much better organizational skills who can manage to blog regularly and spend enough time with their kids. But I find that I already say, "Give me a minute, I'm mid-sentence." or "Hang on, honey, Mom needs to finish this review". I don't think there's anything wrong with having Mom time or writing time, they have times they need to concentrate and not be interrupted as well. But I want to be sure that's balanced with enough reading aloud or watching a show together or playing a video game or whatever (I'm not a play with kids kind of person, so the reading and watching and gaming works well for us). And this post was a good reminder to not miss the important while crossing off the "To-Do" list, see if you agree: Mom's on the Computer (or not).

FitMommy Friday and Scattered Scatterings

2010-02-05T17:44:00.000-05:00

First, my excuse- I have been sick. I had a seriously bad flu and then have spent the last several days getting done what had to be done that hadn't been done when it needed to be done. Clear as mud? Unfortunately, personal blogging is pretty low on the got to get done list.

So update on my Fit Mommy Friday stuff- not so great with the flu. Good news is I was under calorie intake during flu time, bad news is no exercise. And then we had the LOST premiere Tuesday night and my husband came home with Ben & Jerry's to "celebrate" and yeah...Ben & Jerry's is fat-en-ning. Yummy, though. Quite yummy.

So I have been trying to diet and exercise for three weeks and have only lost three pounds. Better than nothing (or gaining!) but I would like to do better. Next week- EXERCISE!

In other news, I am suddenly dieing to write. Okay, maybe not literally dieing. But I want to find time to write! I have ideas! I have plots! I have itchy fingers! Okay, the last one sounded like a disease. But I have found the writing bug again. Which is not so great for the blogging. 'Causing I only have so much time and too many projects.

I also found the homeschooling bug again. It's been a couple of tough years and I have been discouraged. I'm rediscovering the joy in homeschooling and it feels good. I'll be writing a post about on my homeschool blog...soon. Yeah, it'll be soon. Really, it will. Stop shaking your head. I'll get to it.

I read out loud all day Thursday. My kids begged me to finish the book. That was awesome.

Women's Bible Study began again and we are outgrowing the room and it's just too cool getting together every week to encourage each other. We're doing the newest edition of Breaking Free by Beth Moore and so far it's great. Really looking forward to this study. And everytime I think of the study, I hear my friend MaryEllen singing Queen's 'I want to break freee, I want to breaaak free" in my head. Love it.

So there you have it (whoever you may be), a lame, scattered update of where I am and what I am doing. Don't know why anyone would care but hey, I have a blog post. Cross that off my Type A list.

Once An Arafat Man Blog Tour

2010-01-25T14:32:00.000-05:00

This book was so good that I decided to share the review on both blogs. I think it's a "don't miss" kind of read.

Summary: "At age 17, Palestinian Tass Saada ran away to become a PLO sniper, onetime chauffeur for Yasser Arafat, and a Muslim immersed in anti-Israeli activity. As a man he moved to America, started a family, and eventually became a Christian. Then he risked retribution as he returned home to share his faith with his family and former boss. Once an Arafat Man is a story of the ultimate triumph of love over hatred, of reconciliation over divisions. It’s a story that can inspire us all to overcome the conflicts in our own lives."

Author Bio: "Tass Saada is a former Muslim and the founder of Hope for Ishmael, a nonprofit organization whose mission is to reconcile Arabs and Jews. Born in 1951 in the Gaza Strip, Saada grew up in Saudi Arabia and Qatar. He worked under Yasser Arafat as a Fatah fighter and sniper. Years after immigrating to America, he became a Christian."

My Thoughts: This man's story brought me to tears more than once. I believe it will continue to impact my heart for quite awhile to come. Once An Arafat Man was both eye-opening and heart-opening and is one book that I believe would be beneficial for all to read.

He begins the story by sharing his life as a Palestinian refugee and the bitterness and anger that fueled him. To be inside the mind and see through the eyes of a Palestinian Muslim was difficult at times, but allowed me to understand a different perspective. The author makes no excuses for the atrocities he committed but does allow the reader to understand the excuses he made to himself at the time. He then shares his experience in coming to the United States. His perception of Americans at that time would be laughable it wasn't so heart-breaking. He soon discovered his fear of violence from the US citizens was unfounded and he began to build a life here.

This was all very interesting but the power of the story is found in the second half when God reached out to him in a way he could not deny. The tears came fast and hard as I read of how God revealed Himself to this former sniper and offered forgiveness and hope for a new life. My own faith was renewed with the reminder of the power and love of a living God. My own heart was opened as God showed him that He is the God of Isaac and Ishmael. Christ's sacrifice was not to build a new religion called Christianity but to bring all peoples to redemption. Reconciliation is only to be found in Him.

Wow, powerful stuff.

Life did not suddenly become easy for this man but blessings did abound. Through doubt and discouragement, God was with him- training him for what was to come. He would walk with him as he returned once more to the Middle East, facing death and danger to offer hope. His story ends with encouragement to the reader, encouragement that hope and reconciliation is possible in our lives. After reading his story, that little germ of hope revived in my own heart.

I'm not usually a fan of biographies but for some reason felt drawn to read this book. I am so glad that I did. I believe it can be life-changing.

*Disclosure: This book was provided at no cost by Tyndale, for review purposes.*

4/52